At the time of Bobby’s death the following seemed the best thing to do however now, looking back and hearing what other Angel Mummy’s did, I would like to change some things please.
*I would like to change the fact that we didn’t want to see him when he was born. I was scared as hell of what he would look like but now I feel guilty as hell that we did not have that time together or got to have our photo taken as a family. I know it was our way of coping but it doesn’t help. Looking back I feel as though I pushed him away when I should have held him and kept him in our room for the night, instead he was made to spend it in a cold morgue all by himself.
*I would like the change the fact that there were no photos of him taken at the hospital. I see photos of parents holding their Angels looking so loved and warm and yet we didn’t hold him at all. The two photos which we do have of him were taken by the hospital and he is laying there all by himself. I wish I had just one photo of the three of us together, in our arms where he belongs.
*I would like to change the fact that his Daddy did not visit him. I hope that Bobby understands why and forgives his Daddy for not visiting him once. I know it is his way of coping, but it doesn’t stop me wishing he had. I also hope that my OH doesn’t go on to regret it.
I would like to change the fact that I feel guilty for recently feeling like I have turned a slight corner. I haven’t cried every day for a while and that scares me somewhat. I have done everything I can not to forget him – set up this blog, his gone-too-soon page and I talk about him everyday to anyone who will listen – but not crying to me says that I do not miss him, when really I do. I miss him every single moment of every single day, more then I can express in words.
Wednesday, 16 September 2009
Monday, 14 September 2009
The Next Step?
Well I have finally done it.
I have put a call through to the Women’s Health Councilor about booking a session.
It’s a shame she is on holiday this week (typical) but at least I have taken the step and made the call.
I’ve been thinking about it a lot recently and I finally came to the conclusion that I do need to speak to a professional. I’m not sure how or even if it will help as nothing will bring him back but I am now finding that even though the good days are becoming more frequent, the bad days – although becoming less – are very bad when ‘the sadness’ arrives. They are most certainly not healthy days.
Only time will tell.
I have put a call through to the Women’s Health Councilor about booking a session.
It’s a shame she is on holiday this week (typical) but at least I have taken the step and made the call.
I’ve been thinking about it a lot recently and I finally came to the conclusion that I do need to speak to a professional. I’m not sure how or even if it will help as nothing will bring him back but I am now finding that even though the good days are becoming more frequent, the bad days – although becoming less – are very bad when ‘the sadness’ arrives. They are most certainly not healthy days.
Only time will tell.
Friday, 11 September 2009
How Are You?
This is an open ended question of which I get asked daily.
My response 99.9% of the time is; “I’m fine thanks. How are you?” when in reality it couldn’t be further from the truth.
I wish we lived in a world where we were not scared of upsetting people by telling them the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
If there was such a world I would be able to openly respond with the following:
“I’m dreading November. It’s coming so quickly. I want to sleep all through Christmas too”
“I’m jealous of any pregnant woman I see. Friends. Strangers. This makes me feel like a b * tch as I know it is not their fault what happened to us”
“I feel guilty that I have let so many people down as so many people were looking forward to his arrival”
“I’m worried that it will take just as long to fall pregnant again as it did this time. When I do get pregnant, I’m scared that it will happen again and because of this, I have been striped of my right to enjoy any future pregnancy”
“I feel impatient as I want my Son’s grave to be covered over properly so I can go and make it pretty and personalise it”
“I do not like nor do I recognise the person I have become. I miss the old me. I miss having the energy or the mind frame to go out and socialise. I miss the compassion I once had when friends would come to me with their problems as they now seem so small compared to losing my child. I miss the sociable, flirty, carefree Lucy who used to be the clown of the group”
“I miss the innocence of the OH and I’s relationship”
“I miss the naivety of the horrors of pregnancy”
“I miss being ‘normal’”
I realise the entire above are negatives but as I’m sure every Angel Mummy knows that you battle against a mixture of emotions every single day. Some good, many bad, but there comes a point when you must realise that you either let the darkness keep you down or you try your damned hardest to search for some sort of light and put every ounce of your energy into finding some strength to carry on with your ~ now half ~ life.
This is the first week since Bobby’s death that I have been able to do a little of the above. Don’t get me wrong I haven’t been dancing on tables nor have I gone through a day where he hasn’t been in my thoughts but this week has been one of the better weeks.
Despite the above “How I’m Really Feeling” quotes I have been thinking a lot about what I have learnt and what ‘good’ I have gotten from this; as random as that statement reads back.
One day when the time is right, I hope that the next time I am asked “How Are You?” I will forget the bad answers and I will automatically respond with one of the following:
“I AM good thanks. I am proud to call myself an Angel Mummy. My Son, through gaining his Angel Wings has become even more special, not only to me but also to those out there who did not even get to meet him. His death has made an impact on people. Because of this my little boy will live forever in the minds of others”
“I have got rid of the garbage in my life. The friends I have now are my true friends. I am closer to my family then ever. There is no better support I could wish for than the support I have now”
“I am now used to crying myself to sleep each night but at the same time I am proud of myself when I don’t shed a tear during the day”
“I have met some of the bravest, strongest, loveliest women this planet has to offer. I have lost my Son yes, but there are women out there who have lost not one but many children. There are also women out there who had to watch their babies fall asleep in their arms”
“There are women out there who now are unable to go on to have an Earth baby which makes me one of the lucky ones, and yet despite their pain they are still there to listen and give advice to women like me”
For them and the amazing support I am getting, I am truly thankful.
My response 99.9% of the time is; “I’m fine thanks. How are you?” when in reality it couldn’t be further from the truth.
I wish we lived in a world where we were not scared of upsetting people by telling them the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
If there was such a world I would be able to openly respond with the following:
“I’m dreading November. It’s coming so quickly. I want to sleep all through Christmas too”
“I’m jealous of any pregnant woman I see. Friends. Strangers. This makes me feel like a b * tch as I know it is not their fault what happened to us”
“I feel guilty that I have let so many people down as so many people were looking forward to his arrival”
“I’m worried that it will take just as long to fall pregnant again as it did this time. When I do get pregnant, I’m scared that it will happen again and because of this, I have been striped of my right to enjoy any future pregnancy”
“I feel impatient as I want my Son’s grave to be covered over properly so I can go and make it pretty and personalise it”
“I do not like nor do I recognise the person I have become. I miss the old me. I miss having the energy or the mind frame to go out and socialise. I miss the compassion I once had when friends would come to me with their problems as they now seem so small compared to losing my child. I miss the sociable, flirty, carefree Lucy who used to be the clown of the group”
“I miss the innocence of the OH and I’s relationship”
“I miss the naivety of the horrors of pregnancy”
“I miss being ‘normal’”
I realise the entire above are negatives but as I’m sure every Angel Mummy knows that you battle against a mixture of emotions every single day. Some good, many bad, but there comes a point when you must realise that you either let the darkness keep you down or you try your damned hardest to search for some sort of light and put every ounce of your energy into finding some strength to carry on with your ~ now half ~ life.
This is the first week since Bobby’s death that I have been able to do a little of the above. Don’t get me wrong I haven’t been dancing on tables nor have I gone through a day where he hasn’t been in my thoughts but this week has been one of the better weeks.
Despite the above “How I’m Really Feeling” quotes I have been thinking a lot about what I have learnt and what ‘good’ I have gotten from this; as random as that statement reads back.
One day when the time is right, I hope that the next time I am asked “How Are You?” I will forget the bad answers and I will automatically respond with one of the following:
“I AM good thanks. I am proud to call myself an Angel Mummy. My Son, through gaining his Angel Wings has become even more special, not only to me but also to those out there who did not even get to meet him. His death has made an impact on people. Because of this my little boy will live forever in the minds of others”
“I have got rid of the garbage in my life. The friends I have now are my true friends. I am closer to my family then ever. There is no better support I could wish for than the support I have now”
“I am now used to crying myself to sleep each night but at the same time I am proud of myself when I don’t shed a tear during the day”
“I have met some of the bravest, strongest, loveliest women this planet has to offer. I have lost my Son yes, but there are women out there who have lost not one but many children. There are also women out there who had to watch their babies fall asleep in their arms”
“There are women out there who now are unable to go on to have an Earth baby which makes me one of the lucky ones, and yet despite their pain they are still there to listen and give advice to women like me”
For them and the amazing support I am getting, I am truly thankful.
Sunday, 6 September 2009
Cant Cope Anymore
As it’s now only 57 days until what would have been Bobby's due date I am becoming increasingly upset with every visit to baby forum I am a part of.
I have already taken the 4th November off of work as I know I will be in a state but I have also decided that I will avoid that forum altogether come November.
There are many of the girls from my old Birth Board on my friends list on FB which is going to be hard enough to deal with looking at their newborns photos and reading their status updates, so I can only imagine what it will be like seeing over a thousand BA’s and every time thinking 'this should have been us'.
I know this sounds selfish and I do wish all the girls well but I’m currently finding the days harder and harder to cope with since Bobby's death, and as the time draws nearer it gets harder and harder. I want nothing more than to get it over and done with. I want November to be gone. I want what would have been our first Christmas to be gone. I want 2010 to bring us the family that we have tried for so long to achieve.
I don’t wish to appear selfish but I feel like I am being tortured with every visit to either site; the stupid thing is, is that it is me who is torturing myself.
I have already taken the 4th November off of work as I know I will be in a state but I have also decided that I will avoid that forum altogether come November.
There are many of the girls from my old Birth Board on my friends list on FB which is going to be hard enough to deal with looking at their newborns photos and reading their status updates, so I can only imagine what it will be like seeing over a thousand BA’s and every time thinking 'this should have been us'.
I know this sounds selfish and I do wish all the girls well but I’m currently finding the days harder and harder to cope with since Bobby's death, and as the time draws nearer it gets harder and harder. I want nothing more than to get it over and done with. I want November to be gone. I want what would have been our first Christmas to be gone. I want 2010 to bring us the family that we have tried for so long to achieve.
I don’t wish to appear selfish but I feel like I am being tortured with every visit to either site; the stupid thing is, is that it is me who is torturing myself.
Wednesday, 2 September 2009
This Time Today ...
2 Months Ago: Bobby became an Angel.
11 years ago: The OH and I got together.
We should be excited that in 62 days/8 weeks from now: We should have a newborn Son.
Instead we have a grave to visit.
11 years ago: The OH and I got together.
We should be excited that in 62 days/8 weeks from now: We should have a newborn Son.
Instead we have a grave to visit.
Tuesday, 1 September 2009
Back To Life. Back To Reality
The bank holiday is over and we are back to reality.
OH and I ended up staying this long weekend on the South East Coast with one of his friends. The idea was to use his place as digs to sleep and he would pretty much leave us to it but as first thought it didn’t exactly turn out like that. It wasn’t exactly the nice quiet, relaxing, romantic break away that I had hoped for. We even had an argument on Sunday and we didn’t do any BD at all, not that there was much opportunity to do it.
I don’t know why I expected it to be any different. We have come back home to the same crap; debts, small dark flat, no money because we spent it all on the weekend, arguments. We may as well have stayed at home and saved the money.
Being away has made me realise though how much time I spend on the internet and it has to be cut down. It has also made me realise how much I really do want another baby, which kind of contradicts what I have written above as surely if we are going through a rough patch then the added strain of TTC a baby is the last thing we need, but a part of me feels that the reason we are now at this stage is because we do not have a living baby. A part of me feels that a new pregnancy may just bring a part of the old us back. I have a strong feeling I may be living in dream land though.
We visited Bobby’s grave yesterday for the first time since he was buried. It’s just a pile of dirt at the moment as its waiting to settle, so it felt a bit odd standing over it. I didn’t feel comfortable being there. There was no sense of peace like my Nan and Granddad’s grave has always had. I hope that changes once the earth has settled and the grave is turfed over.
Despite the lack of BD I am a day late on my AF. Not that I’m worried as it’s the only the second one since his death and I’m not expecting my cycle to go straight back to 28 days any time soon. I will give it until the end of the week and see if she calls or not. If not and the stick says ‘nooo don’t be silly, you have to be BD in order to get pregnant’ then I shall send out a search party.
It’s our 11th anniversary tomorrow. I feel like I’ve been saying that for ages. We were planning on having a meal but we had a fairly expensive one on Saturday night so we decided to instead go to the cinema and watch a film {funny enough} but it turns out the one we want to see doesn’t come out until Friday, so after all that we will probably get a takeaway and do b * gger all. No surprises there then.
I just hope he remembers to buy me a card. I may make myself one and leave it out for him to put his name to though, just in case.
OH and I ended up staying this long weekend on the South East Coast with one of his friends. The idea was to use his place as digs to sleep and he would pretty much leave us to it but as first thought it didn’t exactly turn out like that. It wasn’t exactly the nice quiet, relaxing, romantic break away that I had hoped for. We even had an argument on Sunday and we didn’t do any BD at all, not that there was much opportunity to do it.
I don’t know why I expected it to be any different. We have come back home to the same crap; debts, small dark flat, no money because we spent it all on the weekend, arguments. We may as well have stayed at home and saved the money.
Being away has made me realise though how much time I spend on the internet and it has to be cut down. It has also made me realise how much I really do want another baby, which kind of contradicts what I have written above as surely if we are going through a rough patch then the added strain of TTC a baby is the last thing we need, but a part of me feels that the reason we are now at this stage is because we do not have a living baby. A part of me feels that a new pregnancy may just bring a part of the old us back. I have a strong feeling I may be living in dream land though.
We visited Bobby’s grave yesterday for the first time since he was buried. It’s just a pile of dirt at the moment as its waiting to settle, so it felt a bit odd standing over it. I didn’t feel comfortable being there. There was no sense of peace like my Nan and Granddad’s grave has always had. I hope that changes once the earth has settled and the grave is turfed over.
Despite the lack of BD I am a day late on my AF. Not that I’m worried as it’s the only the second one since his death and I’m not expecting my cycle to go straight back to 28 days any time soon. I will give it until the end of the week and see if she calls or not. If not and the stick says ‘nooo don’t be silly, you have to be BD in order to get pregnant’ then I shall send out a search party.
It’s our 11th anniversary tomorrow. I feel like I’ve been saying that for ages. We were planning on having a meal but we had a fairly expensive one on Saturday night so we decided to instead go to the cinema and watch a film {funny enough} but it turns out the one we want to see doesn’t come out until Friday, so after all that we will probably get a takeaway and do b * gger all. No surprises there then.
I just hope he remembers to buy me a card. I may make myself one and leave it out for him to put his name to though, just in case.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
