Pregnant

On 31st December 2008 I started a blog documenting my infertility and our two and a half year experience on trying to conceive.

However, as time went on and with every new post posted, I begun to become even more depressed then when it was kept in my head so when I started my period on 28th January this year, I decided to close my blog down and to go back to dealing with it as I had done so before.

From that day on I decided to take a different approach to not only our unexplained infertility but also to my life and my diet.

At the time I was into my second year temping after a redundancy at the end of 2007 and over the course of twelve months I was unable to get a permanent job. My partner and I had by this time been living in a room at his Mum’s house for six months, after we were kicked out of our 2 bedroom flat due to the landlord having a baby and wanting his flat back.

Call me emotional, a nutcase or whatever, but the conscious decision to change my way of thinking and attitude to my life worked.

Last weekend we picked up the keys to our new flat, I start a new permanent job on Monday and the most important and miraculous thing to happen ... I found out on Sunday that I am pregnant.

As happy as I am to be pregnant the pregnancy hasn’t exactly chosen its timing well. I’m not sure what my new employer will say when I tell them at 12 weeks but to be honest, I know we will cope. Afteral, there are millions of women out there who cope everyday on their own, as teenagers, or those who have gone through extremely hard times in one way or another. You only have to read some of their blogs to realise that you have it ‘easy’.

I’d always dreamed of setting up a pregnancy diary so that I could look back on it in years to come but now that I’m actually typing it, I don’t feel like its me typing, plus I’m a little worried that once I hit the ‘send’ button, something terrible will happen to this baby.

I don’t feel comfortable calling it a baby yet. I think that’s because I don’t feel like this pregnancy is real, like I read the two tests wrong. Afteral when you are so used to getting your hopes up each month only to feel the cramps and then see the blood appear when you next visit the toilet, for the period not to arrive nor the blood, it throws you off course a bit.

I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow to confirm the due date and how far gone I am – I think I’m 5 weeks – and afterwards I am off round to a friend’s house with a couple of friends for a girly night in. I’m not sure what excuse I’m going to give when I refuse the usual Jack Daniels and as much as I cant wait to tell everyone, at the same time I don’t want to ‘jinx’ anything.

I guess the ‘positive attitude’ is good in theory, but much harder in practice.