A-Z Blogging Challenge

“The premise of the Blogging From A to Z April Challenge is to post something on your blog every day in April except for Sundays. In doing this you will have 26 blog posts--one for each letter of the alphabet. Each day you will theme your post according to a letter of the alphabet.

You will only be limited by your own imagination in this challenge. There is an unlimited universe of possibilities. You can post essays, short pieces of fiction, poetry, recipes, travel sketches, or anything else you would like to write about. You don't have to be a writer to do this. You can post photos, including samples of your own art or craftwork. Everyone who blogs can post from A to Z”

I have tried a challenge like this before and never completed it but this time I am determined to do so. More so because and as I have typed before, my blog requires a lift of some sort.

It isn’t hard to see that I only come here when I need to rant or remember. I don’t utilise it to document the ‘good stuff’, which thinking about it must make me look like a right moody cow when in reality on the surface Im the most laid back person you can get. (Note I said on the surface)

Hopefully knowing I have no choice but to visit this blog every day will get the love back for blogging. I used to love writing here, emptying my head of my thoughts and stepping away from the keyboard feeling lighter. 2011 just hasn’t been shown the same amount of love as 2009 and 2010 and the empath within me just isn’t comfortable with that.

As with everything else in life – and to quote my most used closing line – we shall see what happens.

Period Number 48

I don’t know why but I currently feel I am in no mans land. Actually I do know why; my AF has arrived today.

It’s a sad fact that if I do not fall pregnant in April, our 2011 baby dream is over and it continues into yet another year.

How many more years will we trip into until we finally take our own baby home? How many more friends and/or family am I expected to smile at when they announce they are pregnant before we can finally announce our pregnancy?

Two fellow Angel Mums are currently in hospital because their rainbow babies are due at any moment; as happy as I am for them both, they both lost a year after we lost Bobby and yet they get to have their rainbow babies before we get ours??? How does that work exactly? Has the need for a baby gotten so bad that I am even beginning to feel jealous over an Angel Mum’s pregnancy? What kind of a woman does that make me?

The amount of times I hear someone say 'God only gives you what he thinks you can handle' he has taken our only long awaited baby away and we dealt with it so why has he not given us another chance, does he not think we can handle a real, screaming, kicking, happy, giggling baby? More importantly why am I questioning what a God I don’t believe in is doing to us?

I am 30 in three months. I honestly thought things would be different. I presumed I would be married and that I would have at least one living child. Instead here I am ruled by my fertility, my period and my biological clock.

I am sick of friends presuming I am pregnant just because I mention that I am tired; of always being asked if we are trying or 'any news yet?' like our sex life is public property and do they honestly think that if there was 'news' that they would not know by now?! Then there is the ‘oh well you never know it might happen next month’ spiel. I am tired of my FB status’ getting ‘hugs’ responses when I have in fact put a happy go lucky status on there only for it to be misinterpreted to mean something else.

Just because I have lost do people see me as the poor soul who needs hugs at every opportunity? People tell me I’m strong and yet they treat me like a china doll. I am tired of being the one whose baby died. I would like to be looked upon as 'normal' once more; even if it only lasts for 9 whole months.

Riding the Waves of Time

Its currently 00:32 here in the UK on a Friday night.

I have been off work since Thursday because a fellow Angel Mum was due to visit today but is now not arriving until tomorrow morning.

My OH has gone fishing for the weekend, he will probably be back on Monday and so I am sitting here with a half bottle of rose left with no one on line to chat too; quite frankly I am bored.

So bored that I am sitting here waiting for some washing to finish.

I hate Friday nights in on my own.

A Day Forgotten

Wow.

I have only now realised that it was 2 years ago yesterday that I got the BFP with Bobby. I say wow because this time last year it was a day I had built up. It was a sad day.

This year however, it appears to have become a normal every day day.

And that is a good thing.

The Funeral of a Friend

It was Lee's funeral yesterday.

The coffin arrived at his Mum's house at 08:30 and as expected the sight of it caused a lot of grown men to cry. Even now its still hard to comprehend that his body was within that wooden box.

The service was held at the same chapel that Bobby's was held and unlike Bobby's, every seat within the chapel was taken.

Instead of hymns, old school house music was played; which may sound strange to some but Lee wasnt religious and house music was his and everyone elses within the chapels passion, and so it was fitting.

While the second song was played, we were asked by the minister to sit and remember Lee. For a split second I had an image of Lee standing in the corner of the chapel dancing away to himself laughing, knowing that noone could see him and yet thinking it funny that there were people there crying over the song while he danced to it. It was an image that made me smile until I remembered where I was.

Once the service was over we all headed off in different groups for some breakfast before meeting back at his Mum's house for the wake. At 12:45 the majority of the congregation headed towards a pub.

I'll be honest this part I wasn't looking forward to. I found it quite disrespectful to know some wanted to have a piss up after the funeral of a man who had ultimately died from alcohol but also because of the people who were going to be there.

The majority of those crying within the chapel were those who were not there for him when he became ill through the drink; they simply walked away. Whereas some who were there, were drinking with him up until the night before he died. Even after his numerous stays in rehab they would welcome him home by visiting him with a can of beer asking him if he minded if they drank in front of him ... what friend does that?

Then there were those who I'd chosen not to see ever again a few years back. Those who over a course of eight years made me feel like crap all because I was younger, because I came from a different background to them and ultimately because I did not drink or do drugs like them. Those who tried at every opportunity to make fun of me and cause trouble between the OH and I.

Knowing the history, thankfully my best friend agreed to spend the day with me, which meant that although I was polite to those people when saying hello, it meant I did not have to sit with them and make false conversation.

The one and only person who did try to make conversation said simply, "any babies yet", with which I replied "no". There was no "I'm sorry about your Son" even despite this being the first time I had seen any of them since Bobby had died.

I'm glad it is over, I'm glad that Lee was paid respect owed to him; although deep down I am sad that he had to die so young and in the way he did to receive the respect.

Lisas Stars Charity

I have already dedicated a page on this blog to this charity but I thought Id do a blog post about it as well; maybe turn it into a once a month update on how the charity is going.

Well as far as Lisa Stars's stands, the first delivery has been made!

The first delivery was made last Saturday by Lisa, her husband and their two living girls to the hospital where she gave birth to and lost their four Angels Olivia, Phoebe, Joseph and Nate who sadly fell asleep between 2006 and 2010 between gestations 17 to 28.

As lovely as this photo is because it is proof that there are extremely loving and generous people out there, it is also quite sad to knwo that every single one of those items shown will be, at some time in the future be used by Angel Parents on their newly lost baby/s.

As one of the representatives of Lisas Star's I have been asked to collect items and deliver them to local hospitals within my desigated postal area, who have agreed to accept these items.

At this moment in time I am in talks with the hospital Bobby was born at and I pray they agree because although Bobby was wrapped in a blanket, it would have been nice to have been able to have his little head covered or even just to be given the option to chose an outfit for him instead of having the hospital dress him in a silly looking dress type thing. It would also feel as though I was giving something back to the hospital and to help fellow parents who will be walking in the same shoes that the OH and myself found ourselves in 19 months ago.

I am also *fingers crossed* going to attend a local SANDS meeting at the begining of March to spread the word and to hopefully get some more knitters on board. 

I have so far received two packages.

The items pictured to the left I received from a lady at work. It includes 15 hats, 6 bonnets and 4 blankets

The items pictured on the right were knitted by my Mum, which I picked up today. It includes 11 blankets and 6 hats.

If you or anyone you know would like to knit for Lisas Stars or donate wool for the knitters to use, please email me at lucyatlisasstars@hotmail.co.uk