The Loss of a Friend

Sitting on the bus on the way home from work tonight I was going over this blog in my mind and it occurred to me that the only time I really post is when I am sad or when I need to vent.

Even while pregnant with Bobby, the majority of the posts are moans, rants and blah blah's; sooo I made a pact with myself that when I got home, I would start to post more about everyday good stuff; that was until an hour into arriving home we received a phone call from a friend.

Tragically one of my OH's oldest friends was found dead this morning on the sofa by his Mother. He had been a slave to alcoholism for a number of years and had been in and out of several rehab centres for the last couple of those years trying to kick the addiction.

As harsh as it may read now, it was often said within our group that he was a dead man walking simply because none of us could ever believe that he would combat this nasty nasty addiction and unfortunately my prediction that he would not make another year was correct.

Despite those words said, the fact that he has died has come as a huge shock which is surrounded by a consuming feeling of sadness that his life has ended this way at such a young age.

Lee was only 40 years old and he was a lovely lovely man who underneath the drink desperately wanted to have a family of his own. Yes at times the drink made him do things which we frowned upon but isn't that why it is called an addiction ...

What makes it seem even more unreal is the fact that he has died from a product which is accessible to buy in every Supermarket and corner shop all over the world and in the UK alone it is possible to buy a can of lager for as little as 29p. Drugs have nothing on alcohol and yet one is deemed illegal and the other brings in billions of pounds in tax to our Government.

His passing is yet another sad waste of a young life and a reminder that not every person dies from old age surrounded by their great grandchildren having lived a long and happy life. His death also sadly means that yet another Mother has to bury her child.

RIP Lee, I hope you're spirit is now free and I am sure Bobby would have already found you and made you feel at home. xox

Normality

I am happy. There you go I said it and I don't care if by saying it it jinxes that happiness. My insides feel 'fresh'; as though they have been replaced with new, clean, well oiled parts.

Work is good, our relationship is the best is has been for a very long time, the plans I made for 2011 have so far ran smoothly and best of all; the inside of my head feels normal.

Work has been busy but in a good way. I have been attending meetings and training courses which is great because it means I am networking and learning and most of all it feels as though I am trusted by my Boss which is a big thing with the Boss I have.

Our relationship has over this past week gone from feeling as though we are flat mates to actual partners - as a nearly 30 year old I hate the term boyfriend and girlfriend. The arguments and nit picking have been replaced with discussions and flirtations and most importantly the pressure of sex and all that it means has been lifted.

It is only February but I have already met up with and had fun with many friends that I haven't seen all over Winter. What is it with us Brits and Winter? Every single year I can guarantee that for 4 months I will not see certain friends; only to talk to them via the Internet or phone and yet as soon as the rain and snow stop, we all come out of hibernation.

Maybe the above mentioned is the cause for my head feeling clear I don't know but what I do know is that for this moment in time I feel 'normal'. The most normal I have felt in a very long time and that is the best feeling of all.

Love you little man.

Two Weddings and a Thousand Births

... or at least that is what it feels like.

I hate the person the years of TTC and the event of losing Bobby has turned me into. Forget the old saying about someone having two faces, it feels as though I have three; the 'happy' one friends and family see, the sad one which arrived the day Bobby was born and the bright bold green one which pops up out of no where from time to time.

As happy as I am when someone announces they are getting married or they are pregnant, it is always followed by a slight panic which runs through my mind when I realise that there is yet another person I am one step behind. I have a roof over my head and a job which allows me to eat food every day and yet that is not enough; I will always crave these two 'simple' things until they become real for us.

I hate the jealousy that every announcement brings with it. I hate the guilt of knowing that feeling jealous because friends and family are happy within their lives is wrong.

Rant

I am getting a little hacked off with seeing comments from supposed Angel Mums on certain support sites making stupid remarks about how the loss of someone who's baby died in pregnancy is less of that of someone who's baby lived and then died.

At least those who think their loss is 'greater' than mine were lucky enough to have seen the colour of their babies eyes and will never forget the sound of their baby's cries. My 'lucky' self; I have just two pictures of my Son, 45 minutes of holding his cold still body and a lifetime of wondering would he have liked this, would he have acted like that etc etc it goes on forever. I know which I would prefer.

Yes both situations are different but no way does it mean that one is greater then the other. Since when did losing your child become a competition over who is more hurt?! If this is a game then I would like a full refund please because this isn't what I originally signed up for.

A loss of a child is a loss of a child, in pregnancy and after.

Whatever happened to supporting those who walk in the same shoes as you...

Words of a Rainbow Baby Mum

My Angel Mummy friend who lost her Son July 2009 and who went on to give birth to a Rainbow Daughter July 2010 posted this on her journal yesterday. Its something I felt needed sharing. I think it speaks volumes about how people assume that just because you have your 'take home baby' that everything should now be ok. Our Angels will never and can never be replaced.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Butter Bean that bobbed around. My Bean that looked just like an egg with a yolk. BUT WOULD I EVER MEET IT?

My Baby. My Baby with the arms and legs. My Baby I never thought I would take home. My Baby with the heartbeat, the kicking feet and wriggling arms. BUT WOULD I EVER MEET IT?

My Princess Pea. My Princess who was healthy. My Princess who I might just take home. My Princess who kicked and punched. My Princess who loved cream eggs. My Princess who grew and I looked forward to meeting. BUT WOULD I EVER MEET HER?

The "Baby Girl" with no name. The Baby Girl that arrived late. The Baby Girl that arrived safe. The Baby Girl I couldn’t believe was mine and here. The Baby Girl I got to take home. The Baby Girl that cried. I GOT TO MEET HER!

Freya. That Bean. That Baby. That Princess. That Baby Girl. That was my Freya and I GOT TO MEET HER. I got to take her home and keep her!

Unlike my gorgeous Boy who has bloomed in my heart I have seen her bloom in front of my eyes. The sparkling eyes, shiny hair, the gummy smile and chubby cheeks. I CAN SEE IT ALL!

BUT just because I can see Freya doesn’t mean she is any more special then my Boy. It doesn’t mean she is my only baby just because she is the only baby people can SEE.

BOTH MY BABIES ARE MINE. BOTH MY BABIES ARE BLOOMING IN THEIR OWN WAY AND I LOVE THEM BOTH MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF!

Aston was too good for this world. My Angel. My Little Boy who has given me two of the greatest gifts of all time him and his sister! I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU EVERYDAY!

Freya has bought my world to me. Happiness. A blooming I will never see in my boy. GORGEOUSNESS I LOVE YOU MORE AND MORE EVERYDAY!

Tonsillectomy (Day 3)

Having done my homework before this operation by Googling everything to do with having your tonsils removed, I knew a tonsillectomy was going to be painful but I never imagined it would be this painful; so painful in fact that yesterday I cried while eating my dinner.

So painful that I have spent some part of today on Google begging it to tell me when the pain will stop and the fear of bleeding to death will go away.

According to my OH I smell bad. I smell like a bin and this smell isn't just coming from my mouth as expected; it is coming from my pours. Great.

Thankfully Google has confirmed that this is normal and can last for up to three weeks and the reason for the smell, is due to the combination of medications as well as the nasty white coating currently living within my mouth at the back of my throat which is a sign of the wound healing. Although I can not smell myself I can imagine how bad I must smell if the taste in my mouth is anything to go by. I have brushed my teeth three times today and yet it still tastes bad.

Something I apparently missed previously is that the scabs at the back of the throat 'fall off' between 5-10 days after the operation. What?! When they come off they bleed a little as well. Aye?!

Despite smelling bad and having scabs falling off, it does appear that there are a couple of good things to come from this operation; apart from the obvious reason for having this operation to begin with that is.

Before the operation I was (and still am) a diet coke addict. I don't like tea or coffee so would live quite happily on 4-5 cans of diet coke a day with a small glass of water thrown in. However since Tuesday I am on my second 5lt bottle of water and I have yet to have a single can of diet coke or a craving for it either. According to Google it is also quite common to lose between 5-20lbs in weight and considering I planned to lose 2 stones this year to get back to pre-Bobby weight this is a very good thing.

I just hope it does fall off and that it wont stay on me due to bloody water retention.