... or at least that is what it feels like.
I hate the person the years of TTC and the event of losing Bobby has turned me into. Forget the old saying about someone having two faces, it feels as though I have three; the 'happy' one friends and family see, the sad one which arrived the day Bobby was born and the bright bold green one which pops up out of no where from time to time.
As happy as I am when someone announces they are getting married or they are pregnant, it is always followed by a slight panic which runs through my mind when I realise that there is yet another person I am one step behind. I have a roof over my head and a job which allows me to eat food every day and yet that is not enough; I will always crave these two 'simple' things until they become real for us.
I hate the jealousy that every announcement brings with it. I hate the guilt of knowing that feeling jealous because friends and family are happy within their lives is wrong.
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I am so sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if it helps you to know you aren't alone in this.
ReplyDeleteOur situations aren't alike but we TTC for years and then discovered that having children would never be possible for us and I grieved for that and I know that the way I reacted in my heart to people's pregnancy announcements made me feel awful because I couldn't just be simply happy for them as I was before...it hurt so badly even while I knew I should be rejoicing for them.
I'm so sorry you are going through all this and can't imagine your pain. Just wanted you to know I relate to some extent.