Christmas 2010

I’ve nothing much to write about.

It was nice spending a couple of days with my parents, Brother and seeing my Aunt, Uncle and Cousins but that was it. We ate, we played cards, we ate some more but there was something missing and our second Christmas since Bobby has made me realise that there always will be something missing. I’m never going to truly enjoy Christmas again, not even when we do have our Earth family because one member will always be missing.

There will always be an empty space under the tree where his presents should sit.

He would have been 13 months old now had things worked out. He would have had a little understanding of what was going on. Like the other babies on my old Birth Board he would have been able to unwrap his own presents, he would have smiled for the camera. He would have shared our Christmas dinner. Instead he spent this Christmas underground, with a wreath, Santa snow globe, a snowman candle and a mini silver tree as his presents. What 17 month old wants’ those things as presents.

We visited his grave on Christmas Eve for the first time since September and it was buried underneath the snow so much that you couldn’t make it out at first. Someone had walked over it because they had left footprints.

His stone still hasn’t been placed, 17 months on and the grave still doesn’t have a headstone. WTF are they going to sort it out and put it on?! We argued again, the same as we do every time we visit. Apparently I ‘hog’ the grave and want it done my way and I will not let my OH help me with it. What he doesn’t seem to understand is that, I am so used to doing things on my own when it comes to Bobby or being told ‘Its up to you’ when I ask his advice or opinion about what we should do, that I do automatically take over. This is his fault, not mine. He has made me that way.

We then got onto the subject of his photos. I asked him when he will look at his Son but he still refuses. I speak about how it would be nice to have a picture of him up but he replies that he doesn’t want him out on show and that he thinks it’s strange. He says if he came to someone’s house and they had their dead child’s photos out on display that he would think it strange and uncomfortable. This if course upset me; it made me wonder if he is ashamed of his Son despite the fact he has never seen him for himself. All I would like is one photo of him up in our bedroom on his self along with his teddies and his scan photos. I don’t want him scattered around the house, I would just like one photo. It’s not as though we have enough photos of him to put in every room anyway.

No matter what, photos are not what I really want; what I would really like is our 13 month old little man here now with us. What a completely different life it would be.

A Quick Chat

I haven’t done a proper blog post for what seems like ages but I need to get this down.

I have just been in my Boss’s office for a ‘quick chat’. I hate those kinds of chats because I know that the ‘quick chat’ really means ‘a boll *** ing’.

He says he is concerned about me, that he has noticed a few things over the past few weeks and how things need to improve in not only my attendance and my lateness but also in the work I do itself.

I seem distracted he said. People have been moaning about me behind my back he said. He can’t be seen to discipline the shop floor staff while I am seemingly getting away with coming in an hour late or forgetting to do simple parts of my job he said.

Silence

Ive been feeling a little run down the past couple of months, I keep coming out in colds I say. I’m constantly tired, I can’t physically get out of bed each morning, I do nothing when I get home except sit on the computer all night because nothing really matters, I said.

Silence

I don’t like this time of the year I said. Cue a chin rumble and a broken voice as I try to keep the tears in while slating myself in my head for even contemplating crying in front of this man. I have months where I am fine but something will trigger and I will feel down for a few weeks, I said.

Thankfully my boss knows what I am going on about so I don’t need to go into detail and his tone of voice changes as he says ‘it can’t be easy for you but you need to see it from my point of view’. With that he goes on to say that he wishes I would approach him before he approached me.

I would but I can’t, I said. I have trouble talking about it.

He is right though, this can’t carry on.

I know full well in my head that I can no longer hide behind others grief to mask my own and yet my heart is too afraid to reach out and ask.

I know full well that I need to unlock this volt inside and allow everything to empty out. I just need someone to help me do it.

I am so scared that once I start I will not be able to stop but it’s something I must do otherwise I will never be able to move on.

A Note to Heaven (7)

I love you xox

A Note to Heaven (6)

Hey Little Man.

Its been a month with no written words but everyday you have been in my thoughts.

It’s nearly that time of the year again isn’t it. So many people excited about what Santa is going to bring and yet all I would like is for you to be here, pulling at the Christmas tree and to see your little face on Christmas morning. This would have been your first 'proper' Christmas; you would have been old enough to know that something was different and yet it’s not the case is it, instead it’s just another ****ty year of acting false. Mummy to going to start her Christmas shopping today but would very much like to say 'bar humbug' to it all. I know I brought you a little something months ago but I wonder what else we can find for you today. What do 17 month old Angels like Bobby?

We will come visit you this weekend and place your tree and card on your grave as per normal. Would you like a balloon this year as well? It would make a nice change wouldn’t it? Let Mummy know which one you like when Daddy and I go shopping for one and we shall get it for you.

I hope you are ok up there Bobby and that you are being nice to all the new babies who are visiting. Please show them around and make them feel welcome, be a good little boy for us and a friend to them.

Love you lots and I always will.

Love Mummy xox

Angelversary Club

At the start of each month I will add a blog post specifically to remember all the Angels who's birthday or angelversary it is that month.

If you would like your Angel included please copy, paste and complete the statements listed below and email me the details at mummytoanangel@googlemail.com

USERNAME

FIRST REAL NAME

ANGEL'S NAME

DATE YOUR ANGEL WAS BORN

DATE THEY BECAME AN ANGEL

REASON FOR BECOMING AN ANGEL

MESSAGE TO YOUR ANGEL

A Note to Heaven (5)

Bobby,

Hey you, I hope you are ok up there. Ive been thinking about you more then normal recently and have been meaning to write to you but just haven’t had the right words. Mummy has been feeling a little down and confused lately and wishing you were here more then ever.

You most probably know already but you’re Daddy and I nearly split last night and even though we both agreed we are not good for each other, for some reason we just can’t take that last step to be apart. This really is our last chance and I really do not know what is going to happen; I’m feeling a little lost right now. I’m sorry to put this on you but you always seem to be around most when Mummy is upset or thinking of you, it would be nice to have a little sign that things will eventually be ok.

You were at Elizabeth's 1st birthday party on Saturday weren’t you little man. Jo knows you were too. You loved that little TV so much that you had to play with it at the exact moment both Jo and I thought about you separately; maybe Mummy will buy you one for Christmas if you liked it that much.

I love you Bobby I really do. Please ignore all the stupid stuff Mummy does and know that you are in my messy thoughts all the time.

Love Mummy xox