A Note to Heaven (3)

Bobby,

I thought I would write to you tonight because I don’t know, I’m feeling a little 'humph'. I can’t quite place my finger on this feeling. Let down I guess, that is the best word to describe it.

I very nearly deleted your GTS page today Bobby and I’m sorry for having that thought. Its not that I wanted to hide you from people but certain comments have made me realise that no one fully appreciates you for you apart from me. No one looks at your picture and sees you how I see you; my handsome little man, with his Daddy’s nose and your tiny black eyebrows. None of them held you in their arms and had the privileged of taking you all in and feeling your weight in their arms. I can’t believe I very nearly deleted your page just because of someone’s ignorance.

Sometimes I feel as though people view you as just a picture on a screen or a story they can tell their friends about.

Infact thinking about it clearly now, I’m going to take your picture down from all sites and I’m going to have you all to myself to admire and appreciate. F**k everyone else.

A Note to Heaven (2)

Dear Bobby

I so wanted to start this off by asking how your week has been but how silly a question is that. A fellow Angel Mummy once typed that a thousand years on Earth is just a days worth in Heaven; I hope that statement is correct.

You’re Daddy and I have been having some trouble this past month. I don’t know if it’s been a long time coming and we have been ignoring it but we are trying to make things work. Money as always is at the route of our problems, sometimes I wonder if we will ever be ok in that department or if it will be like this forever. I hope it works out Bobby because Id like to stay with your Daddy and give you a little brother or sister to look after and the other stuff which 'normal' people do. Not that we are 'normal' though aye, things will never be normal again.

Anyway enough of that, its Baby Loss Awareness Week this week and Wave of Light on Friday - our 2nd one. It’s amazing how quickly it’s gone isnt it. This time last year I hadn’t even heard of the week let alone the day and now it’s become another annual day to be remembered. I wonder how many friends or family will remember you on Friday Bobby. I really hope they do.

I also have a hospital appointment on Friday with the ENT Specialist to talk about this lump in my neck. Hopefully they will agree to go ahead and remove this one as they did the last and all will be back to normal again. Here’s hoping. I want to ask you to look over me but I dont want to put that pressure onto you, I should be looking after you, not you after me.

Well its time to say another goodbye net wise Bobby. Maybe this will become a weekly thing and hopefully it will get easier to type out the more emotional side. Who knows.

Love you lots as always Bobby, speak to you soon Little Man.

Love Mummy xox

A Note to Heaven (1)

Dear Bobby

I have no idea where to start or what to say because as you know Mummy isn’t the best with her emotions when it comes to you. Speaking about you to others in a logical sense is easy but speaking about you as my Son and our hopes and our dreams is another thing altogether. I hope you can forgive me for that. What started off as a way of coping is now a bad habit which I can not break. One I am too scared to break.

It feels strange typing to you now after all this time. Remember when I used to write to you every couple of weeks while you were still in my tummy and I would tell you all about your mad family and moan to you about my horrible ex-boss and prepare you for your Daddy's strange ways. I miss those innocent days Bobby. I miss even more so your kicks and the instant bond we shared.

I had this image of you while pregnant of you being a naughty little chap when older and that image still stands now. I bet you are the one who goes around kiss chasing all the girls and playing in the dirt with the boys. At the same time I know you are making it your business to welcome all the new Angels in and let them know they are ok. You would have had such a good life Bobby - I truly hope you are having fun where you are now.

I love you so much Little Man - so much more so then some stupid words on a screen can express. I feel you around all the time and don’t think I don’t see your little messages. I can not wait to become your 'proper' Mummy when the time is right but until that day; behave yourself and be safe in the knowledge that you are eternally loved.

Love Mummy xox

I Am The Face

Bobby's story has been added to the Faces of Loss - Face of Hope website today.

Its a great site to show that you are not alone.

Ponderment

‘The pain of bereavement has been compared to that of losing a limb. It doesn't come back, you will always miss it but you also learn to adapt to living without it.’

It’s been said many a time before that grief is a strange thing and how right that statement is. How do you know you are still grieving when you look and feel ‘normal’. Do you ever really stop grieving for someone just because you do not cry for them every day. What makes one persons grief more plausible then another. Is it possible to ever ‘get over it’ if you ‘give it time’.

These are just some of the questions going around in my head at the moment. Feeling ‘normal’ has caused this confusion and mass guilt trip I am currently experiencing. Most of us cant wait to feel ‘normal’ again yet no one tells you that when that time does arrive, so does the feeling of guilt that maybe you are starting to forget your Angel and the lessons their death has taught you. If in order to cope you got to the mind frame that their death ‘happened for a reason’ and maybe that reason was to change you and your perspective on life – now that you and your life are starting to get back to normal – does that mean their death was in vain. Did their death really teach you anything at all. Do you really become a better person through a loved one’s last breath.

I remember feeling a strong sense of empowerment a little while after the shock had eased. I had a strong sense that nothing could stop me from achieving what I now wanted to do because at the end of the day, if I could survive giving birth to a sleeping baby then I could survive anything life had to throw at me. I wanted to do something with my life to make him proud, and yet ten months on; reality is that none of those things have happened.

There is a huge difference between ideas and actions and it takes a lot of time and effort to put your ideas into action. Yes grief does make you stronger but it can also disable you in other areas which until you go there, you did not know the fear existed.

What exactly is the point of life. The only guarantee you have is that you will die; everything else in-between is either due to pure luck or hard work. Do we have a role to maintain or are we just here for the hell of it – no pun intended.

Visit from an Angel

If a fairy or an angel came to you and said you were allowed to go back to the past, what things would you change to make it a better future for you? If you change nothing, why?

This is quite an apt Theme Of The Week for my first one considering what this blog is all about. Quite a few things enter my head when I read this question but they are all superficial and if it wasn't for those awkward moments in life taking place, then I would never have been lead to this moment in my life now or a year ago.

The only thing which I wish I could go back and change is that I would have gone to the hospital as soon as I suspected something was wrong with the pregnancy. If I had done that I am pretty sure that the infection would have been caught and treated and that I would now have a happy, playful 5 month old boy in my life, instead of memories and a grave to visit. However; if he had not have died I would not have met some of the most loveliest women out there and I would not have had my eyes open to so many new experiences.

I would still happily trade all of that for my Son though.