A Note to Heaven (1)

Dear Bobby

I have no idea where to start or what to say because as you know Mummy isn’t the best with her emotions when it comes to you. Speaking about you to others in a logical sense is easy but speaking about you as my Son and our hopes and our dreams is another thing altogether. I hope you can forgive me for that. What started off as a way of coping is now a bad habit which I can not break. One I am too scared to break.

It feels strange typing to you now after all this time. Remember when I used to write to you every couple of weeks while you were still in my tummy and I would tell you all about your mad family and moan to you about my horrible ex-boss and prepare you for your Daddy's strange ways. I miss those innocent days Bobby. I miss even more so your kicks and the instant bond we shared.

I had this image of you while pregnant of you being a naughty little chap when older and that image still stands now. I bet you are the one who goes around kiss chasing all the girls and playing in the dirt with the boys. At the same time I know you are making it your business to welcome all the new Angels in and let them know they are ok. You would have had such a good life Bobby - I truly hope you are having fun where you are now.

I love you so much Little Man - so much more so then some stupid words on a screen can express. I feel you around all the time and don’t think I don’t see your little messages. I can not wait to become your 'proper' Mummy when the time is right but until that day; behave yourself and be safe in the knowledge that you are eternally loved.

Love Mummy xox

I Am The Face

Bobby's story has been added to the Faces of Loss - Face of Hope website today.

Its a great site to show that you are not alone.

Ponderment

‘The pain of bereavement has been compared to that of losing a limb. It doesn't come back, you will always miss it but you also learn to adapt to living without it.’

It’s been said many a time before that grief is a strange thing and how right that statement is. How do you know you are still grieving when you look and feel ‘normal’. Do you ever really stop grieving for someone just because you do not cry for them every day. What makes one persons grief more plausible then another. Is it possible to ever ‘get over it’ if you ‘give it time’.

These are just some of the questions going around in my head at the moment. Feeling ‘normal’ has caused this confusion and mass guilt trip I am currently experiencing. Most of us cant wait to feel ‘normal’ again yet no one tells you that when that time does arrive, so does the feeling of guilt that maybe you are starting to forget your Angel and the lessons their death has taught you. If in order to cope you got to the mind frame that their death ‘happened for a reason’ and maybe that reason was to change you and your perspective on life – now that you and your life are starting to get back to normal – does that mean their death was in vain. Did their death really teach you anything at all. Do you really become a better person through a loved one’s last breath.

I remember feeling a strong sense of empowerment a little while after the shock had eased. I had a strong sense that nothing could stop me from achieving what I now wanted to do because at the end of the day, if I could survive giving birth to a sleeping baby then I could survive anything life had to throw at me. I wanted to do something with my life to make him proud, and yet ten months on; reality is that none of those things have happened.

There is a huge difference between ideas and actions and it takes a lot of time and effort to put your ideas into action. Yes grief does make you stronger but it can also disable you in other areas which until you go there, you did not know the fear existed.

What exactly is the point of life. The only guarantee you have is that you will die; everything else in-between is either due to pure luck or hard work. Do we have a role to maintain or are we just here for the hell of it – no pun intended.

Visit from an Angel

If a fairy or an angel came to you and said you were allowed to go back to the past, what things would you change to make it a better future for you? If you change nothing, why?

This is quite an apt Theme Of The Week for my first one considering what this blog is all about. Quite a few things enter my head when I read this question but they are all superficial and if it wasn't for those awkward moments in life taking place, then I would never have been lead to this moment in my life now or a year ago.

The only thing which I wish I could go back and change is that I would have gone to the hospital as soon as I suspected something was wrong with the pregnancy. If I had done that I am pretty sure that the infection would have been caught and treated and that I would now have a happy, playful 5 month old boy in my life, instead of memories and a grave to visit. However; if he had not have died I would not have met some of the most loveliest women out there and I would not have had my eyes open to so many new experiences.

I would still happily trade all of that for my Son though.

Another Failure

Last Thursday 25th I got another BFP or a LFP as I called it because the line was extremely faint but it was there on three tests. It was called a little miracle given to me from Bobby by many who I told but looking at it now I don’t think it was from Bobby at all because Bobby wouldn’t make his Mummy upset and cry on purpose. I was woken yesterday morning with extremely strong cramps and quite a lot of blood and clots all of which are still present today. I may well have been pregnant for a very short time but I am not now. I won’t lie, it hurts like hell. I really believed that we were given another chance and I even thanked Bobby on the way to work Friday but looking back, I should know full well that miracles don’t happen to people like me. They never have done so why would they start now at nearly 30 years old. At this point in time I again feel like a failure and feel that I am never going to get to be a proper Mummy to a live baby. Instead I have to carry on wearing this huge shield which I have built up over the past 8 months, a shield of which, up until yesterday worked quite well. I’ve come to rely on this shield a little too much of late but I'm no longer sure just how long its going to keep working, especially now that my BF has fallen pregnant by accident and that everyone else around me is on the path to taking their babies home or have already managed this amazing feet of which I seem incapable of doing. I understand this post sounds extremely selfish and 'poor me' but I really don’t care. I am understandably going to keep feeling like this until I either work out what the hell it is that I have done that is so wrong that I am being punished for it or, my body miraculously decides one day that I am a good enough person to be given the title of 'Mummy’. I really hope my body decides quickly before it’s too late.

Old Birth Board Charity Cook Book

I have just had a nose at my old Birth Board to catch up as I sometimes do, and I have come across this post from one of the Admins.

A few of the ladies on the board put together a Baby Centre Cook Book with all proceeds going to a few baby charities. Gratefully I have been given one as a keepsake and it sits in Bobby's Memory Box.

I can not believe how much these ladies; many of whom I have never met in real life have done for myself and the other ladies who lost their little ones on that board. They truly are a lovely bunch of women.

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I've placed the final order for recipe books and the totals are in (I haven’t posted them obviously but I’ve posted enough to know what the postage will cost)

We have sold 136 books (that includes the ones we gave to Lucy, Lauren and Lisa for their memory boxes) and we have raised:

A WHOOPING
£480.55

I'll make that up to £482 just to make it simpler for splitting.

So each of our charities Tommy's and Bliss will receive £242 in memory of our Angel Babies.

Can I say a HUGE thank you to everyone who contributed recipes and to everyone who bought a copy of this very very special book.

I hope you all have as much fun cooking the recipes as I’m having and when you sit down for a meal take a second to remember the much loved babies we lost.

WELL DONE EVERYONE!

Tasha