2 Months Ago: Bobby became an Angel.
11 years ago: The OH and I got together.
We should be excited that in 62 days/8 weeks from now: We should have a newborn Son.
Instead we have a grave to visit.
Wednesday, 2 September 2009
Tuesday, 1 September 2009
Back To Life. Back To Reality
The bank holiday is over and we are back to reality.
OH and I ended up staying this long weekend on the South East Coast with one of his friends. The idea was to use his place as digs to sleep and he would pretty much leave us to it but as first thought it didn’t exactly turn out like that. It wasn’t exactly the nice quiet, relaxing, romantic break away that I had hoped for. We even had an argument on Sunday and we didn’t do any BD at all, not that there was much opportunity to do it.
I don’t know why I expected it to be any different. We have come back home to the same crap; debts, small dark flat, no money because we spent it all on the weekend, arguments. We may as well have stayed at home and saved the money.
Being away has made me realise though how much time I spend on the internet and it has to be cut down. It has also made me realise how much I really do want another baby, which kind of contradicts what I have written above as surely if we are going through a rough patch then the added strain of TTC a baby is the last thing we need, but a part of me feels that the reason we are now at this stage is because we do not have a living baby. A part of me feels that a new pregnancy may just bring a part of the old us back. I have a strong feeling I may be living in dream land though.
We visited Bobby’s grave yesterday for the first time since he was buried. It’s just a pile of dirt at the moment as its waiting to settle, so it felt a bit odd standing over it. I didn’t feel comfortable being there. There was no sense of peace like my Nan and Granddad’s grave has always had. I hope that changes once the earth has settled and the grave is turfed over.
Despite the lack of BD I am a day late on my AF. Not that I’m worried as it’s the only the second one since his death and I’m not expecting my cycle to go straight back to 28 days any time soon. I will give it until the end of the week and see if she calls or not. If not and the stick says ‘nooo don’t be silly, you have to be BD in order to get pregnant’ then I shall send out a search party.
It’s our 11th anniversary tomorrow. I feel like I’ve been saying that for ages. We were planning on having a meal but we had a fairly expensive one on Saturday night so we decided to instead go to the cinema and watch a film {funny enough} but it turns out the one we want to see doesn’t come out until Friday, so after all that we will probably get a takeaway and do b * gger all. No surprises there then.
I just hope he remembers to buy me a card. I may make myself one and leave it out for him to put his name to though, just in case.
OH and I ended up staying this long weekend on the South East Coast with one of his friends. The idea was to use his place as digs to sleep and he would pretty much leave us to it but as first thought it didn’t exactly turn out like that. It wasn’t exactly the nice quiet, relaxing, romantic break away that I had hoped for. We even had an argument on Sunday and we didn’t do any BD at all, not that there was much opportunity to do it.
I don’t know why I expected it to be any different. We have come back home to the same crap; debts, small dark flat, no money because we spent it all on the weekend, arguments. We may as well have stayed at home and saved the money.
Being away has made me realise though how much time I spend on the internet and it has to be cut down. It has also made me realise how much I really do want another baby, which kind of contradicts what I have written above as surely if we are going through a rough patch then the added strain of TTC a baby is the last thing we need, but a part of me feels that the reason we are now at this stage is because we do not have a living baby. A part of me feels that a new pregnancy may just bring a part of the old us back. I have a strong feeling I may be living in dream land though.
We visited Bobby’s grave yesterday for the first time since he was buried. It’s just a pile of dirt at the moment as its waiting to settle, so it felt a bit odd standing over it. I didn’t feel comfortable being there. There was no sense of peace like my Nan and Granddad’s grave has always had. I hope that changes once the earth has settled and the grave is turfed over.
Despite the lack of BD I am a day late on my AF. Not that I’m worried as it’s the only the second one since his death and I’m not expecting my cycle to go straight back to 28 days any time soon. I will give it until the end of the week and see if she calls or not. If not and the stick says ‘nooo don’t be silly, you have to be BD in order to get pregnant’ then I shall send out a search party.
It’s our 11th anniversary tomorrow. I feel like I’ve been saying that for ages. We were planning on having a meal but we had a fairly expensive one on Saturday night so we decided to instead go to the cinema and watch a film {funny enough} but it turns out the one we want to see doesn’t come out until Friday, so after all that we will probably get a takeaway and do b * gger all. No surprises there then.
I just hope he remembers to buy me a card. I may make myself one and leave it out for him to put his name to though, just in case.
Friday, 28 August 2009
Breakdown In Communication
I guess it was inevitable but I had a little breakdown at work this morning. I’m not proud, I know it doesn’t look good as no one should bring their drama to work with them but it’s been made worse by the fact that I’m only temping here. Oh well, so much for trying to make a good impression. Instead I must look like a mental case.
My only saving grace is that a couple of the people I work with know about Bobby so they were sympathetic.
The morning began with me waking up 20 minutes before I should have been at work and then the OH and I had an argument; a pretty bad argument to be honest. I left for work, turned my mobile off and turned up an hour late. When I arrived I was already trying to hold the tears in. I sit at a reception desk and as usual there was a constant a flow of engineers coming to and from my desk. This morning everyone kept asking me how I was which made me feel worse until eventually the tears flowed.
A short while after, I turned my phone on to find 3 text messages from my OH obviously still reeling from the morning’s argument. Feeling the tears welling up I went to the toilet to reply back and for the first time since Bobby’s death, I explained in the text exactly how I felt. How I cry myself to sleep each night, how I know I’m a cr * p girlfriend at the moment, how I’m tired emotionally and physically, how my heart aches so much because I miss my Son and how all I want is for us to be a family, how all I want is for things to be ‘normal’ again. He replied explaining he also couldn’t sleep, he constantly worries about things; work, money, us. The end of his text read; ‘I too think of Bobby everyday and wipe away a tear’.
This is the first time we have properly talked about our inner most true feelings and we did it via stupid text message. I now realise why everyone keeps telling me that communication is very important at this time.
As I have mentioned previously, it is our 11th Anniversary next week and we will hopefully get to spend the weekend together.
Looking back, I realise that since Bobby, we have not spent a single weekend together without either someone coming around or the both of us are off doing our own thing. I have spent the last three weekends around friends or families houses while he’s off fishing with his.
If we are going to make it to 11 year mark, then we need to start spending some time together.
I really hope we make it.
My only saving grace is that a couple of the people I work with know about Bobby so they were sympathetic.
The morning began with me waking up 20 minutes before I should have been at work and then the OH and I had an argument; a pretty bad argument to be honest. I left for work, turned my mobile off and turned up an hour late. When I arrived I was already trying to hold the tears in. I sit at a reception desk and as usual there was a constant a flow of engineers coming to and from my desk. This morning everyone kept asking me how I was which made me feel worse until eventually the tears flowed.
A short while after, I turned my phone on to find 3 text messages from my OH obviously still reeling from the morning’s argument. Feeling the tears welling up I went to the toilet to reply back and for the first time since Bobby’s death, I explained in the text exactly how I felt. How I cry myself to sleep each night, how I know I’m a cr * p girlfriend at the moment, how I’m tired emotionally and physically, how my heart aches so much because I miss my Son and how all I want is for us to be a family, how all I want is for things to be ‘normal’ again. He replied explaining he also couldn’t sleep, he constantly worries about things; work, money, us. The end of his text read; ‘I too think of Bobby everyday and wipe away a tear’.
This is the first time we have properly talked about our inner most true feelings and we did it via stupid text message. I now realise why everyone keeps telling me that communication is very important at this time.
As I have mentioned previously, it is our 11th Anniversary next week and we will hopefully get to spend the weekend together.
Looking back, I realise that since Bobby, we have not spent a single weekend together without either someone coming around or the both of us are off doing our own thing. I have spent the last three weekends around friends or families houses while he’s off fishing with his.
If we are going to make it to 11 year mark, then we need to start spending some time together.
I really hope we make it.
Wednesday, 26 August 2009
... (2)
I’m feeling quite depressed and extremely tired right now.
We should have been happy that we were now 30 weeks with only 10 weeks to go.
He should be moving around inside my stomach giving me heartburn or a good kick in the ribs; instead our baby is lying in a coffin in the ground, still, cold.
Lifeless.
We should have been happy that we were now 30 weeks with only 10 weeks to go.
He should be moving around inside my stomach giving me heartburn or a good kick in the ribs; instead our baby is lying in a coffin in the ground, still, cold.
Lifeless.
Tuesday, 25 August 2009
Consultant Appointment
We had an appointment with a Consultant at the hospital at 2:30pm yesterday afternoon.
What a waste of time that was; or maybe not I can’t decide to be honest. Somehow though, I managed to walk out of there with some sort of slight closure even though we were not told anything new.
We arrived there to be greeted by the Consultant, the head M/W {I think} and a wacky looking Counsellor.
We spent 45 minutes there, which consisted of the Consultant reading through my notes and me adding my pointers as to what he had missed out or gotten wrong. He explained why I was left there for 3 hours waiting to be seen by a Doctor when Bobby had a heartbeat and I explained how it felt to be left there waiting to be seen by a Doctor for 3 hours when Bobby had a heartbeat, wondering WTF was going on and if our boy was going to make it or not.
I explained how I was told by the ambulance woman that they would be able to put the cord back in and how I was told it was quite common. I explained how I got there and waited for that to happen but it didn’t. I explained how it felt to be left there asking when the Doctor would arrive time and time again only to be told each time that he was in an emergency operation and how I thought ‘Well what exactly am I, not an emergency?’
You get my point…
All the way through this the Counsellor butted in asking me questions on how this made me feel blah blah blah.
The Consultant explained that the tests from the bloods and placenta showed nothing abnormal and how because we didn’t opt for a PM they couldn’t confirm exactly why he died.
I explained how we didn’t want a PM as we knew how he died. It was the infection.
I explained how I went to the hospital three days before my waters broke and how my urine sample showed no signs of infection and how my cervix was closed and how when three days later my Doctor confirmed that the waters hadn’t broken and yes I had an infection and yet then two days later when I had my 20 week ultrasound; everything was finally made clear…
I also brought up that I had written a formal complaint about the way we were left and what the response letter had said.
The head M/W asked me if there was anything I would like to take back to her staff to help deal with any future women in my position and I simply said ‘tell them what’s going on, let them know what is going to happen instead of letting them imagine what would happen and if it’s bad news then its bad news, just don’t let them get their hopes up for no reason like I did’.
They made a note of it.
The Councillor asked my OH how he felt to which I thought ‘oh dear’ because he had refused to attend at first because he didn’t want to speak to the Councillor but he simply said ‘well it’s sh * t but we are coping and I don’t have any unanswered questions’.
We were then asked if we had thought about trying again or if we thought it was too soon but I explained that we were trying but without any pressure this time; if it happens then it happens.
The Consultant advised that as soon as I know I am pregnant I should call his department so that he can set the wheels in motion for me to have an early scan and swabs taken to monitor any possible future infection.
The M/W went on to explain the difference between trying to save a baby at 22 weeks and a baby at 23 weeks. Simply put as I understood it; Bobby was unlucky. Had my cord prolapsed a week later, they most probably would have delivered him there and then. It was simply a lottery we didn’t win.
We were advised that if we wanted to see a Councillor then the service was there. I’m not sure if I will be seeing a Councillor. The one I met this afternoon I definitely wont be seeing. If I am going to open my heart to someone I want to gel with them and I certainly didn’t with her. She has given me her card if I would like to book an appointment so I think I will sleep on it for a couple of days and see how my emotions go.
This whole grief malarkey is confusing as hell.
I took a pregnancy test on Friday; of course it was negative but now I know that the moment I do get a positive, it’s the new pregnancy and no longer Bobby. In a way the negative gives me a fresh start but as strange as it may sound, it is the final confirmation that Bobby is gone, that my pregnancy with him is over and there is absolutely no trace of my boy left within my body.
What a waste of time that was; or maybe not I can’t decide to be honest. Somehow though, I managed to walk out of there with some sort of slight closure even though we were not told anything new.
We arrived there to be greeted by the Consultant, the head M/W {I think} and a wacky looking Counsellor.
We spent 45 minutes there, which consisted of the Consultant reading through my notes and me adding my pointers as to what he had missed out or gotten wrong. He explained why I was left there for 3 hours waiting to be seen by a Doctor when Bobby had a heartbeat and I explained how it felt to be left there waiting to be seen by a Doctor for 3 hours when Bobby had a heartbeat, wondering WTF was going on and if our boy was going to make it or not.
I explained how I was told by the ambulance woman that they would be able to put the cord back in and how I was told it was quite common. I explained how I got there and waited for that to happen but it didn’t. I explained how it felt to be left there asking when the Doctor would arrive time and time again only to be told each time that he was in an emergency operation and how I thought ‘Well what exactly am I, not an emergency?’
You get my point…
All the way through this the Counsellor butted in asking me questions on how this made me feel blah blah blah.
The Consultant explained that the tests from the bloods and placenta showed nothing abnormal and how because we didn’t opt for a PM they couldn’t confirm exactly why he died.
I explained how we didn’t want a PM as we knew how he died. It was the infection.
I explained how I went to the hospital three days before my waters broke and how my urine sample showed no signs of infection and how my cervix was closed and how when three days later my Doctor confirmed that the waters hadn’t broken and yes I had an infection and yet then two days later when I had my 20 week ultrasound; everything was finally made clear…
I also brought up that I had written a formal complaint about the way we were left and what the response letter had said.
The head M/W asked me if there was anything I would like to take back to her staff to help deal with any future women in my position and I simply said ‘tell them what’s going on, let them know what is going to happen instead of letting them imagine what would happen and if it’s bad news then its bad news, just don’t let them get their hopes up for no reason like I did’.
They made a note of it.
The Councillor asked my OH how he felt to which I thought ‘oh dear’ because he had refused to attend at first because he didn’t want to speak to the Councillor but he simply said ‘well it’s sh * t but we are coping and I don’t have any unanswered questions’.
We were then asked if we had thought about trying again or if we thought it was too soon but I explained that we were trying but without any pressure this time; if it happens then it happens.
The Consultant advised that as soon as I know I am pregnant I should call his department so that he can set the wheels in motion for me to have an early scan and swabs taken to monitor any possible future infection.
The M/W went on to explain the difference between trying to save a baby at 22 weeks and a baby at 23 weeks. Simply put as I understood it; Bobby was unlucky. Had my cord prolapsed a week later, they most probably would have delivered him there and then. It was simply a lottery we didn’t win.
We were advised that if we wanted to see a Councillor then the service was there. I’m not sure if I will be seeing a Councillor. The one I met this afternoon I definitely wont be seeing. If I am going to open my heart to someone I want to gel with them and I certainly didn’t with her. She has given me her card if I would like to book an appointment so I think I will sleep on it for a couple of days and see how my emotions go.
This whole grief malarkey is confusing as hell.
I took a pregnancy test on Friday; of course it was negative but now I know that the moment I do get a positive, it’s the new pregnancy and no longer Bobby. In a way the negative gives me a fresh start but as strange as it may sound, it is the final confirmation that Bobby is gone, that my pregnancy with him is over and there is absolutely no trace of my boy left within my body.
Monday, 24 August 2009
Questions Answered
I’m sitting at work but I can’t concentrate.
We have an appointment with the Consultant at the hospital at 2:30pm this afternoon.
It is to go over the reasons why our Son died, to go over the results of the blood test taken straight after his birth and the tests from the placenta to see if there was anything abnormal from both. It will also be the first time I get to meet with the Counsellor to discuss any possible sessions with her. The Consultant will apparently go over any care that I will receive in any further pregnancies.
The thing is I know why Bobby died. We have it confirmed in the letter which we received last week from the Chief Exec of the hospital. As written previously I looked into possible liability action against the hospital and my Doctor for firstly not noticing that my waters had broken and for secondly being left with the umbilical cord hanging out for hours despite Bobby having a heartbeat when we got there.
However every solicitor I spoke to agreed that yes errors were made and that I should have been treated differently but they would not be able to find the evidence to prove that had anything been any different, he would have lived. Instead they told me to make a formal written complaint to my hospital of which I did and of which resulted in the letter.
The letter apologised, quite a lot and explained that there had been an investigation into my complaint. He advised that because there was no pulse from the cord when I arrived at the hospital, it was inevitable that our Son would die as once it stops, it can not be restarted again. He apologised that I was not advised of this by the MW at the time. This had been the main thing which had haunted me for weeks. The questions of was our son left to die, could he be alive today had he been monitored when we got to the hospital? The answer to both questions is no. From the time the cord came out to the time he died was 2 hours. The questions, did he suffer, did he know what was happening; no Doctor can answer but I may just ask the Consultant today anyway, just to see what he says.
I took a pregnancy test on Friday, of course it was negative but now I know that the moment I do get a positive, it’s the new pregnancy and no longer Bobby.
It’s our 11 year anniversary on the 2nd September and we are planning on going away for the weekend. The full plans are yet to be arranged/agreed on, but I think it’s what we need. I want to be able to turn off our mobiles and to be as far away from London to feel as though it’s just the two of us on our own, to re-jog our memories as to what it was like to spend time together and to actually have some fun. We used to have a lot of fun. I miss that most about us.
Right, back to work before payroll are on my case asking where these hours are.
We have an appointment with the Consultant at the hospital at 2:30pm this afternoon.
It is to go over the reasons why our Son died, to go over the results of the blood test taken straight after his birth and the tests from the placenta to see if there was anything abnormal from both. It will also be the first time I get to meet with the Counsellor to discuss any possible sessions with her. The Consultant will apparently go over any care that I will receive in any further pregnancies.
The thing is I know why Bobby died. We have it confirmed in the letter which we received last week from the Chief Exec of the hospital. As written previously I looked into possible liability action against the hospital and my Doctor for firstly not noticing that my waters had broken and for secondly being left with the umbilical cord hanging out for hours despite Bobby having a heartbeat when we got there.
However every solicitor I spoke to agreed that yes errors were made and that I should have been treated differently but they would not be able to find the evidence to prove that had anything been any different, he would have lived. Instead they told me to make a formal written complaint to my hospital of which I did and of which resulted in the letter.
The letter apologised, quite a lot and explained that there had been an investigation into my complaint. He advised that because there was no pulse from the cord when I arrived at the hospital, it was inevitable that our Son would die as once it stops, it can not be restarted again. He apologised that I was not advised of this by the MW at the time. This had been the main thing which had haunted me for weeks. The questions of was our son left to die, could he be alive today had he been monitored when we got to the hospital? The answer to both questions is no. From the time the cord came out to the time he died was 2 hours. The questions, did he suffer, did he know what was happening; no Doctor can answer but I may just ask the Consultant today anyway, just to see what he says.
I took a pregnancy test on Friday, of course it was negative but now I know that the moment I do get a positive, it’s the new pregnancy and no longer Bobby.
It’s our 11 year anniversary on the 2nd September and we are planning on going away for the weekend. The full plans are yet to be arranged/agreed on, but I think it’s what we need. I want to be able to turn off our mobiles and to be as far away from London to feel as though it’s just the two of us on our own, to re-jog our memories as to what it was like to spend time together and to actually have some fun. We used to have a lot of fun. I miss that most about us.
Right, back to work before payroll are on my case asking where these hours are.
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