It’s been well over a week since my past post; the last post being Bobby’s funeral in fact.
I’ve been on here changing the layout around, wanting to type something but the words just haven’t flown.
Plus every time I have thought of something to type, the housework needs doing or the dinner needs cooking or my OH makes a comment about how much time I am spending on the computer of late so I turn it off with the hump.
I should be in bed right now as I start a new placement tomorrow via my agency which starts at 8am. It’s as an Admin Assistant at a local train company.
It may seem way too early to some but I am glad to be going to work. I’ve worked four days since falling pregnant with Bobby after the company I was with sacked me shortly after I told them I was pregnant in May.
It’s been killing me sitting around here all day. I didn’t mind so much while I was pregnant, as I was happy for the rest, plus I had came to accept that I wouldn’t be back in work until after Bobby was born. I just didn’t expect him to be born too early and for me to still be looking for work.
While pregnant I looked into training as a Teaching Assistant which is what I truly want to do but I was advised that I need to be in a school to start with and as the course was for a year, I wasn’t in the right place to be doing it. Since Bobby’s death I’ve been looking into it again but it’s now the school summer holidays which means they don’t re-open until September. The on-line courses I have been looking at all range from £300 - £500 each which I obviously can’t afford. I just don’t want to get stuck working back in an office environment clock watching, working only to pay my bills, sucking up to my boss just because yet again I’m late for work. I’m nearly thirty, I need be in a happy place within my life but nothing seems to be going to plan.
Another thing I have been looking into is seeing a Councillor. There is a lot of things going round in my head at present and I’m tired of crying myself to sleep each night or crying for a minute while I’m on my own and then stopping when my OH walks into the room. It’s just not healthy. There’s also the drink. I’ve managed to stay away from it apart from a bottle I was given for my birthday and my birthday weekend; last weekend where I drank for the whole day and could feel the old alcoholic feelings from three years ago creeping back through. I really do not want to go back to that dark place again. Ever.
Speaking of dark places I really need to get off to bed. It will probably take the usual hour to fall asleep but at least I will have something constructive to wake up for this time.
Monday, 27 July 2009
Friday, 24 July 2009
A Friday Blah Blah
Well I lasted a whole five days away from the www which has been ‘nice.
I’ve been painting our bedroom all day and annoyingly the bloody thing needs four coats on each wall!
I had a call today about another temporary job which starts on Monday. It’s the usual Admin role but this time it’s for a rail company. I’m looking forward to it as it will give me some purpose in life since the last temporary position ended. How sad does that sound? Very I know but it’s true.
The past three days I have been getting period like cramps which I’ve presumed would be the start of my first AF but nothing has yet appeared. The post labour bleeding has stopped but hey ho, we will just have to wait and see.
I am already prepared to be sad when it does arrive because it will be the final confirmation of the end of Bobby’s pregnancy; as strange as that sounds. Saying that however, my nails are already breaking, my tummy is now flat, I have spots coming through on my chin and I no longer get up at 5am for a wee anymore so I guess the confirmation that the pregnancy is over has been there all along.
As well as it being sad, I can also imagine it will also be a good thing to see it arrive because it will mean I can keep an eye on my cycle and therefore get some control back over my own body.
Well, that’s enough of my rambling; its time to get back to the painting.
I’ve been painting our bedroom all day and annoyingly the bloody thing needs four coats on each wall!
I had a call today about another temporary job which starts on Monday. It’s the usual Admin role but this time it’s for a rail company. I’m looking forward to it as it will give me some purpose in life since the last temporary position ended. How sad does that sound? Very I know but it’s true.
The past three days I have been getting period like cramps which I’ve presumed would be the start of my first AF but nothing has yet appeared. The post labour bleeding has stopped but hey ho, we will just have to wait and see.
I am already prepared to be sad when it does arrive because it will be the final confirmation of the end of Bobby’s pregnancy; as strange as that sounds. Saying that however, my nails are already breaking, my tummy is now flat, I have spots coming through on my chin and I no longer get up at 5am for a wee anymore so I guess the confirmation that the pregnancy is over has been there all along.
As well as it being sad, I can also imagine it will also be a good thing to see it arrive because it will mean I can keep an eye on my cycle and therefore get some control back over my own body.
Well, that’s enough of my rambling; its time to get back to the painting.
Sunday, 19 July 2009
Taking Some Time Out
I’ve decided to leave the www for a while. I’ve realized that at the moment it’s not healthy for me to be looking around sites which contain babies and pregnant bellies.
In a strange way, through no fault of anyone but my own, I feel like I’m having my nose rubbed in it that I’m no longer pregnant and that my baby is never coming back. I really don’t know where I belong anymore.
I need to get back into the real world instead of hiding away in the virtual one and I need to try to get over the fact that Bobby will never be coming back. I need to concentrate on getting a job and start speaking to my OH instead of speaking to people on the internet.
I’m sure I will come crawling back once things settle down in my head and in my life.
In a strange way, through no fault of anyone but my own, I feel like I’m having my nose rubbed in it that I’m no longer pregnant and that my baby is never coming back. I really don’t know where I belong anymore.
I need to get back into the real world instead of hiding away in the virtual one and I need to try to get over the fact that Bobby will never be coming back. I need to concentrate on getting a job and start speaking to my OH instead of speaking to people on the internet.
I’m sure I will come crawling back once things settle down in my head and in my life.
Wednesday, 15 July 2009
Bobby's Funeral
Tuesday 14th July 2009 at 9am; another date and time forever embedded into my memory.
When I was little I wanted just two things. Firstly for my crush of 5yrs David W to finally notice me and secondly to have twin babies which I would call Chelsea and Christian (this was the 90s)
I didn’t quite understand how babies worked but I knew that your belly grew bigger and out it popped. When I imagined what they would look like it never once crossed my mind that at the age of 28 I would not only find myself pregnant but that I would also be burying that child.
I started researching my Family Tree last year and I discovered that my Great Nan had given birth to a girl who was stillborn. Back then in the 30s a stillbirth was something to be ashamed off and it was never spoken about. Babies were buried outside the cemetery walls as they were not seemed fit to be received by ‘God’. Whilst researching I could only imagine what my Great Nan had gone through as she also went on to bury her other two daughters; one of them being my Nan, and yet here I am finding myself knowing exactly what she went through.
The day itself in retrospect was the second hardest day of my life and yet it wasn’t as bad as I had built it up to be.
The OH and I were met outside the chapel by Lee from the hospital morgue, the minister and a lady pallbearer. We were asked if we wanted to carry Bobby’s coffin into the chapel but we both declined. I had already held Bobby in my arms when I went to visit him and to hold him this time in his little wooden coffin just didn’t seem right.
The sight of the coffin made my OH cry and he continued to cry all throughout the ceremony and for most of the day. Not having seen Bobby before this day I guess it shocked him at how small his coffin was, along with every other new emotion the day brought with it.
We sat on the front row of the chapel and the minister started to speak. To be honest I cannot remember a word he said. For whatever reason I couldn’t cry but I do remember shaking all the way through the ceremony while looking at our baby’s coffin sitting on the pillar and wondering why, if there is such a thing as God, why did he let this happen. Why, if he knew how much we wanted Bobby, why did he take him away? People have said that it was because he was too good for this earth but then does that mean that our next child, should we make it to full term, not be as special because they are allowed to live? What makes one child more special then another?
The service lasted no longer then 10 minutes and with that we followed the car to the cemetery where he would be laid to rest. I will never forget the image of his tiny coffin being put into the pall bearer’s boot.
While Bobby was being placed into his grave a few more words were spoken, we threw some dirt onto his coffin and then it started to rain. It seems silly but this made me smile as I had hoped it would rain all morning. I was once told that if it rains during a funeral then it is a sign that that person is at peace; whether that is true or not, I don’t know, but I do hope so.
Now that Bobby has been laid to rest what now? This is one of many a question I have been asking myself since the day he died.
One thing I do know for sure is that Bobby will never be forgotten. I won’t allow him to be forgotten. His future brother or sister will know all about him and even when the time comes that I am able to go through a whole day without crying, he will always be in my heart. I used to be scared of death but now I know that when the time comes for his Daddy and me it won’t be so bad because we will finally get to be a proper family among the clouds.
When I was little I wanted just two things. Firstly for my crush of 5yrs David W to finally notice me and secondly to have twin babies which I would call Chelsea and Christian (this was the 90s)
I didn’t quite understand how babies worked but I knew that your belly grew bigger and out it popped. When I imagined what they would look like it never once crossed my mind that at the age of 28 I would not only find myself pregnant but that I would also be burying that child.
I started researching my Family Tree last year and I discovered that my Great Nan had given birth to a girl who was stillborn. Back then in the 30s a stillbirth was something to be ashamed off and it was never spoken about. Babies were buried outside the cemetery walls as they were not seemed fit to be received by ‘God’. Whilst researching I could only imagine what my Great Nan had gone through as she also went on to bury her other two daughters; one of them being my Nan, and yet here I am finding myself knowing exactly what she went through.
The day itself in retrospect was the second hardest day of my life and yet it wasn’t as bad as I had built it up to be.
The OH and I were met outside the chapel by Lee from the hospital morgue, the minister and a lady pallbearer. We were asked if we wanted to carry Bobby’s coffin into the chapel but we both declined. I had already held Bobby in my arms when I went to visit him and to hold him this time in his little wooden coffin just didn’t seem right.
The sight of the coffin made my OH cry and he continued to cry all throughout the ceremony and for most of the day. Not having seen Bobby before this day I guess it shocked him at how small his coffin was, along with every other new emotion the day brought with it.
We sat on the front row of the chapel and the minister started to speak. To be honest I cannot remember a word he said. For whatever reason I couldn’t cry but I do remember shaking all the way through the ceremony while looking at our baby’s coffin sitting on the pillar and wondering why, if there is such a thing as God, why did he let this happen. Why, if he knew how much we wanted Bobby, why did he take him away? People have said that it was because he was too good for this earth but then does that mean that our next child, should we make it to full term, not be as special because they are allowed to live? What makes one child more special then another?
The service lasted no longer then 10 minutes and with that we followed the car to the cemetery where he would be laid to rest. I will never forget the image of his tiny coffin being put into the pall bearer’s boot.
While Bobby was being placed into his grave a few more words were spoken, we threw some dirt onto his coffin and then it started to rain. It seems silly but this made me smile as I had hoped it would rain all morning. I was once told that if it rains during a funeral then it is a sign that that person is at peace; whether that is true or not, I don’t know, but I do hope so.
Now that Bobby has been laid to rest what now? This is one of many a question I have been asking myself since the day he died.
One thing I do know for sure is that Bobby will never be forgotten. I won’t allow him to be forgotten. His future brother or sister will know all about him and even when the time comes that I am able to go through a whole day without crying, he will always be in my heart. I used to be scared of death but now I know that when the time comes for his Daddy and me it won’t be so bad because we will finally get to be a proper family among the clouds.
Sunday, 12 July 2009
Questions and Tears
I’m feeling quite low today. Maybe it’s because I haven’t cried for the past two days I don’t know. I’ve managed to hold it in and not cry myself to sleep for two whole days now. Instead it was my OH who cried himself to sleep last night whilst I stroked his hair. I’m glad he is finally starting to let it out.
The need to be pregnant again has been strong today. My OH wanted us to start trying again a couple of days after Bobby’s death, but I told him to forget it. At that time I couldn’t imagine even DTD, let alone getting pregnant and replacing Bobby. It was clear in my mind that we would start trying again towards the end of the year; once I was back to work and once my body and mind had had time to recover.
However today, having been on my community baby site for most of the day and seeing my old Birth Board’s growing bellies it has made me want to be pregnant again. Is that wrong?
I’m not sure if I am beginning to become jealous of them. Is it too soon. Will I feel guilty for ‘replacing’ my son. How do I know that it won’t take another two years before I fall pregnant again. What if it happens the first time and my body isn’t well enough and we have to go through this heartache for a second time. I don’t think I could carry on if that did happen.
It’s Bobby’s funeral in 34 hours and 15 minutes time and I am sh* tting myself!
We have decided to let the hospital bury Bobby which means he is to be buried in an adult size grave with fifteen other babies. Because he was only 22 weeks we didn’t even get to register his birth or death, it feels as though he is not classed as a ‘real’ person simply because he died two weeks short of what the Government class as ‘viable’. Only the scan photos, his two little photos, his prints and the pain in my heart are confirmation that he was ever here on this earth, not that he got to see any of it.
God I can feel the bad feelings rising up from the pit of my stomach again. I understand that with grief its ‘normal’ to feel angry but it doesn’t soften the blow when it does hit you. I’m jealous and slightly angry at some of the girls on my old Birth Board who are still pregnant, who are posting moaning about their swollen ankles and backache. I would kill to be where they are.
Why is it that women addicted to crack or women who didn’t even want to get pregnant go on to have a full term baby when it took us over two years to fall pregnant and all we got was 5 months of growing our boy; feeling his kicks, dreaming of his future only for it to be taken away because of some stupid f * cking water infection that could otherwise be sorted out with some cranberry juice.
I’m too tired to carry on typing, I can feel the tears rising up again and I need to get off of this laptop and get back to the real world. Not that the real world seems that real anymore.
The need to be pregnant again has been strong today. My OH wanted us to start trying again a couple of days after Bobby’s death, but I told him to forget it. At that time I couldn’t imagine even DTD, let alone getting pregnant and replacing Bobby. It was clear in my mind that we would start trying again towards the end of the year; once I was back to work and once my body and mind had had time to recover.
However today, having been on my community baby site for most of the day and seeing my old Birth Board’s growing bellies it has made me want to be pregnant again. Is that wrong?
I’m not sure if I am beginning to become jealous of them. Is it too soon. Will I feel guilty for ‘replacing’ my son. How do I know that it won’t take another two years before I fall pregnant again. What if it happens the first time and my body isn’t well enough and we have to go through this heartache for a second time. I don’t think I could carry on if that did happen.
It’s Bobby’s funeral in 34 hours and 15 minutes time and I am sh* tting myself!
We have decided to let the hospital bury Bobby which means he is to be buried in an adult size grave with fifteen other babies. Because he was only 22 weeks we didn’t even get to register his birth or death, it feels as though he is not classed as a ‘real’ person simply because he died two weeks short of what the Government class as ‘viable’. Only the scan photos, his two little photos, his prints and the pain in my heart are confirmation that he was ever here on this earth, not that he got to see any of it.
God I can feel the bad feelings rising up from the pit of my stomach again. I understand that with grief its ‘normal’ to feel angry but it doesn’t soften the blow when it does hit you. I’m jealous and slightly angry at some of the girls on my old Birth Board who are still pregnant, who are posting moaning about their swollen ankles and backache. I would kill to be where they are.
Why is it that women addicted to crack or women who didn’t even want to get pregnant go on to have a full term baby when it took us over two years to fall pregnant and all we got was 5 months of growing our boy; feeling his kicks, dreaming of his future only for it to be taken away because of some stupid f * cking water infection that could otherwise be sorted out with some cranberry juice.
I’m too tired to carry on typing, I can feel the tears rising up again and I need to get off of this laptop and get back to the real world. Not that the real world seems that real anymore.
A New Phase
The need to be pregnant again has been very very strong today.
I have told my OH that I don't want to start trying again until the end of the year but having a nose around my old birth board looking at all the growing belly's is making me want to be back there; to be back as a part of it all instead of the outsider that I now feel through no ones fault but my own.
I hate to admit it but I can feel a lot of jealousy starting to build up inside. I’ve been trying so hard not to feel jealous because I remember having them horrible feelings while TTC. I guess this is normal but it’s far from being nice.
My OH cried himself to sleep last night. This is the first time he has cried since Bobby's death and I am thankful that he is finally starting to let go. I’m thankful because I was starting to worry about him bottling it all up like he has a habit of doing over everything emotional.
Having just read back through this post, I think I’m going to give the baby site a miss for a few days; or at least until the horrible feelings have gone and the more positive ones have come back.
I think I'll quit while I’m ahead.
I have told my OH that I don't want to start trying again until the end of the year but having a nose around my old birth board looking at all the growing belly's is making me want to be back there; to be back as a part of it all instead of the outsider that I now feel through no ones fault but my own.
I hate to admit it but I can feel a lot of jealousy starting to build up inside. I’ve been trying so hard not to feel jealous because I remember having them horrible feelings while TTC. I guess this is normal but it’s far from being nice.
My OH cried himself to sleep last night. This is the first time he has cried since Bobby's death and I am thankful that he is finally starting to let go. I’m thankful because I was starting to worry about him bottling it all up like he has a habit of doing over everything emotional.
Having just read back through this post, I think I’m going to give the baby site a miss for a few days; or at least until the horrible feelings have gone and the more positive ones have come back.
I think I'll quit while I’m ahead.
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