When Two Worlds Collide

What is the difference between grief and depression? Google says they can both be seen as the same and yet there is a slight difference. Those slight differences of what it lists I appear to have. Does that mean I have depression?

I have just called my Doctors but there is no answer. I need to see a Doctor. I need to speak to someone about going onto Anti Depressants. I don’t want to go on them and I have always pushed them aside when someone has suggested them in the past but feeling the way I currently do and having the thoughts I had while lying in bed last night; maybe they are the one thing which can help me.

Crying yourself to sleep while wondering what your OH would do if he found you dead in the morning next to him isn’t a healthy thing to imagine is it. That is more then just grief isn’t it. I know I wouldn’t go as far as to harm myself but that doesn’t stop the thoughts from being there. I can’t actually remember the last time I cried myself to sleep. Only when I am having my ‘sad days’ do I cry myself to sleep. I feel as though I am currently having a good few sad weeks, not days. I don’t mind the odd ‘sad day’ but this is something different.

I thought my feeling down was due to the up and coming Christmas period but I still feel the same as before it arrived. I am on my period, maybe this has contributed to it. I don’t know. I really don’t know anything anymore except that I feel ‘down’. I feel irritable with everyone. I’m nasty to my OH. I don’t want to speak to anyone; not even online. I can not be bothered. I would like to be left alone.

I am tired, really tired. Not only in body but also in mind. I could quite easierly fall asleep and not wake up. Despite not waking until 5:30pm the last two days I am still so tired. It feels as though no matter how much sleep I do get, it’s never enough and to top it all off; I was late for work again this morning by an hour and a half.

Nothing currently feels right in my head or body and I don’t know if it ever will again.