Christmas 2010

I’ve nothing much to write about.

It was nice spending a couple of days with my parents, Brother and seeing my Aunt, Uncle and Cousins but that was it. We ate, we played cards, we ate some more but there was something missing and our second Christmas since Bobby has made me realise that there always will be something missing. I’m never going to truly enjoy Christmas again, not even when we do have our Earth family because one member will always be missing.

There will always be an empty space under the tree where his presents should sit.

He would have been 13 months old now had things worked out. He would have had a little understanding of what was going on. Like the other babies on my old Birth Board he would have been able to unwrap his own presents, he would have smiled for the camera. He would have shared our Christmas dinner. Instead he spent this Christmas underground, with a wreath, Santa snow globe, a snowman candle and a mini silver tree as his presents. What 17 month old wants’ those things as presents.

We visited his grave on Christmas Eve for the first time since September and it was buried underneath the snow so much that you couldn’t make it out at first. Someone had walked over it because they had left footprints.

His stone still hasn’t been placed, 17 months on and the grave still doesn’t have a headstone. WTF are they going to sort it out and put it on?! We argued again, the same as we do every time we visit. Apparently I ‘hog’ the grave and want it done my way and I will not let my OH help me with it. What he doesn’t seem to understand is that, I am so used to doing things on my own when it comes to Bobby or being told ‘Its up to you’ when I ask his advice or opinion about what we should do, that I do automatically take over. This is his fault, not mine. He has made me that way.

We then got onto the subject of his photos. I asked him when he will look at his Son but he still refuses. I speak about how it would be nice to have a picture of him up but he replies that he doesn’t want him out on show and that he thinks it’s strange. He says if he came to someone’s house and they had their dead child’s photos out on display that he would think it strange and uncomfortable. This if course upset me; it made me wonder if he is ashamed of his Son despite the fact he has never seen him for himself. All I would like is one photo of him up in our bedroom on his self along with his teddies and his scan photos. I don’t want him scattered around the house, I would just like one photo. It’s not as though we have enough photos of him to put in every room anyway.

No matter what, photos are not what I really want; what I would really like is our 13 month old little man here now with us. What a completely different life it would be.