Thank you to everyone who prayed and/or left a message.
My friends girl was discharged from hospital yesterday and is well and truly on the mend.
It was close, they were taken to the family room just after she was transferred to another hospital and told that they could not guarantee she would wake but thankfully the CT Scan showed no sign of damage to her brain or organs and they managed to wake her from the machine at around 2am that night.
On a scale of 1-15 in regards to the level of deepness in a coma (didn't know there was a scale but there you go) she was at number 3.
Maybe prayers do work after all.
On another note, it appears I have had a very early miscarriage again. I tested two days ago and had a nice dark line and yet last night I started experiencing cramps and today I have been bleeding with some clots and there was only one line on todays test.
I had a little cry earlier on today but with this being the second early miscarriage since Bobby 22 months ago, its the proof Ive needed these past few months that I am capable of fall pregnant and that we are DTD at the correct time since we changed our methods 3 months ago
I know a loss is a loss but this is nothing compared to that of giving birth to a sleeping baby so I am no way devastated as what I was 22 months ago.
I have promised myself that I shall never ever test until way after my AF is late even if there is something inside telling me to do so. They do say that 70% of pregnancies are chemical or early miscarriages when trying so hopefully we've reached that mark now over the past nearly 5 years and that the next time I do fall pregnant, we manage to make it to the full nine months on our 5th attempt.
One day.
Sunday, 24 April 2011
Wednesday, 20 April 2011
Prayers
Ive made it quite clear a number of times within this blog that I do not believe in God however for the first time in my life, tonight I shall be praying in case someone is listening.
An hour ago I had a call from my best friend to say she was with her 12 year old in hospital in intensive care after she found her daughter passed out from alcohol. She had been 'dumped' by her first boyfriend only a few days ago ... we all know that the world seems to end at that age over what we now class as 'stupid' things but really, please do not let this be a waste of a life over something so so stupid.
She is currently not breathing on her own; the machine is doing that for her and they are currently waiting for a CT-scan to see what is happening. This is a very very scary time for all.
If you believe or even if you don't, please pray that she does make it through and that she wakes up with only an extremely bad hangover.
An hour ago I had a call from my best friend to say she was with her 12 year old in hospital in intensive care after she found her daughter passed out from alcohol. She had been 'dumped' by her first boyfriend only a few days ago ... we all know that the world seems to end at that age over what we now class as 'stupid' things but really, please do not let this be a waste of a life over something so so stupid.
She is currently not breathing on her own; the machine is doing that for her and they are currently waiting for a CT-scan to see what is happening. This is a very very scary time for all.
If you believe or even if you don't, please pray that she does make it through and that she wakes up with only an extremely bad hangover.
Monday, 18 April 2011
A-Z Word Challenge: O - One Lonely Journey
Yet another PM to let me personally know that they are pregnant (2nd in a week).
Yet another birth announcement on my news feed to congratulate.
Yet another friend visited, having had cuddles with their new born (2nd in one weekend)
Yet another bout of feeling like a dog who has pissed on the carpet having their nose rubbed into it to show them how crap they are despite it being the most natural thing in the world.
Yet another birth announcement on my news feed to congratulate.
Yet another friend visited, having had cuddles with their new born (2nd in one weekend)
Yet another bout of feeling like a dog who has pissed on the carpet having their nose rubbed into it to show them how crap they are despite it being the most natural thing in the world.
Friday, 15 April 2011
A-Z Blogging Challenge: M - What Makes a Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today,
I asked, "What makes a Mother?" and I know I heard him say:
A Mother has a baby, this we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother, when your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can, he replied, with confidence in his voice,
I give many women babies, when they leave it is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime, and others for the day,
And some I send to feel your womb, but there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here.
He took a breath, and cleared his throat, and then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you, what your child is doing Here...
If you could see your child smile, with other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly, my Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much, but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep, on her pillow is where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, and whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I am here"
So you see my dear sweet one, Your children are okay.
Your babies are here in My home, and this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me, until your lessons there are through,
And on the day that you come home, they'll be at the gates waiting for you
So now you see what makes a Mother, It's the feeling in your heart,
It's the love you had so much of right from the very start.
I asked, "What makes a Mother?" and I know I heard him say:
A Mother has a baby, this we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother, when your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can, he replied, with confidence in his voice,
I give many women babies, when they leave it is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime, and others for the day,
And some I send to feel your womb, but there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here.
He took a breath, and cleared his throat, and then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you, what your child is doing Here...
If you could see your child smile, with other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly, my Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much, but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep, on her pillow is where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, and whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I am here"
So you see my dear sweet one, Your children are okay.
Your babies are here in My home, and this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me, until your lessons there are through,
And on the day that you come home, they'll be at the gates waiting for you
So now you see what makes a Mother, It's the feeling in your heart,
It's the love you had so much of right from the very start.
Wednesday, 13 April 2011
A-Z Challenge: K - The Mother-in-Law 'K'nows Best
It is my MIL’s 76th birthday today.
Most people are shocked when I tell them I have a Mother in Law who is in her 70’s and on finding this information out the first question they ask is ‘how do you get on with her?’ as though because she is a pensioner, it automatically means we are miles apart in life style, morals and conversation.
Despite the 46 year age gap I get on great with my MIL and I always have done over the past 13 years. Infact I think Im quite lucky in that respect if reading others stories about their MIL’s is anything to go by.
I’ll admit at first she scared the pants off of me because I was only 17 and unknown to me my OH had told her I was 21 (he was 27 at the time), and the 6 months we lived with her back in 2008 I never felt ‘at home’ – not through any fault of her own but simply because out of respect for her I always kept in mind that this was her house and I always made sure things were put away and the washing up done straight after we ate – unlike now ;) and on occasion she has jarred me slightly by interfering in money situations but I understand that that was simply out of concern for our welfare at that time.
Infact I think it’s safe to say that if it wasn’t for her we would have been up sh*ts creak without a paddle quite a few times over the past decade. She gave us a home when our landlord moved back in and we had both lost our jobs. She has lent us money more times then I wish to remember but most of all she has always been ‘there’. I am thankful my OH has her for a Mother and I am thankful to her for him. I also praise her for putting up with my OH during his teens through to his early twenties because quite frankly he was a monster and should our children ever act like he did its save to say I will end up in a home for the insane.
As an older parent and then a single parent after my FIL – who Ive never met – ran off with her best friend she is one of the strongest women I know. I am very lucky to have and to have had such strong women within my life. They are proof that you can make it through whatever life throws at you.
I know I shouldn’t think this way and my OH has told me off when I stupidly shared my concerns with him some time ago; I feel and I have always felt it my duty to provide her with a Grandchild and with every year that passes the sickness within my stomach at the thought that I will not fulfil my duty arises.
As heartbreaking as it was for us when Bobby died, I felt I had let her down. She has been brilliant with Bobby and I respect the fact that after he died she called to ask if she could go visit him before his coffin was sealed. It brings a smile to my face every time I think of when she told me how she had unwrapped him on that visit, how she has taken the time to take in every single part of him and how she kissed him and talked to him. I am thankful that she sat with us in the chapel at his burial and cried along with us. I love the fact she see’s him as her first Grandchild and I know that she will continue to do so no matter how many more Grandchild we go on to give her.
I am lucky that she has never said the wrong thing that she has never dictated how I must feel but most of all I am grateful how she knows that I will never get over him, just as she will never forget him.
Most people are shocked when I tell them I have a Mother in Law who is in her 70’s and on finding this information out the first question they ask is ‘how do you get on with her?’ as though because she is a pensioner, it automatically means we are miles apart in life style, morals and conversation.
Despite the 46 year age gap I get on great with my MIL and I always have done over the past 13 years. Infact I think Im quite lucky in that respect if reading others stories about their MIL’s is anything to go by.
I’ll admit at first she scared the pants off of me because I was only 17 and unknown to me my OH had told her I was 21 (he was 27 at the time), and the 6 months we lived with her back in 2008 I never felt ‘at home’ – not through any fault of her own but simply because out of respect for her I always kept in mind that this was her house and I always made sure things were put away and the washing up done straight after we ate – unlike now ;) and on occasion she has jarred me slightly by interfering in money situations but I understand that that was simply out of concern for our welfare at that time.
Infact I think it’s safe to say that if it wasn’t for her we would have been up sh*ts creak without a paddle quite a few times over the past decade. She gave us a home when our landlord moved back in and we had both lost our jobs. She has lent us money more times then I wish to remember but most of all she has always been ‘there’. I am thankful my OH has her for a Mother and I am thankful to her for him. I also praise her for putting up with my OH during his teens through to his early twenties because quite frankly he was a monster and should our children ever act like he did its save to say I will end up in a home for the insane.
As an older parent and then a single parent after my FIL – who Ive never met – ran off with her best friend she is one of the strongest women I know. I am very lucky to have and to have had such strong women within my life. They are proof that you can make it through whatever life throws at you.
I know I shouldn’t think this way and my OH has told me off when I stupidly shared my concerns with him some time ago; I feel and I have always felt it my duty to provide her with a Grandchild and with every year that passes the sickness within my stomach at the thought that I will not fulfil my duty arises.
As heartbreaking as it was for us when Bobby died, I felt I had let her down. She has been brilliant with Bobby and I respect the fact that after he died she called to ask if she could go visit him before his coffin was sealed. It brings a smile to my face every time I think of when she told me how she had unwrapped him on that visit, how she has taken the time to take in every single part of him and how she kissed him and talked to him. I am thankful that she sat with us in the chapel at his burial and cried along with us. I love the fact she see’s him as her first Grandchild and I know that she will continue to do so no matter how many more Grandchild we go on to give her.
I am lucky that she has never said the wrong thing that she has never dictated how I must feel but most of all I am grateful how she knows that I will never get over him, just as she will never forget him.
Tuesday, 12 April 2011
A-Z Challenge: J - 'J'ust One Line Away
Who knew a 2 inch piece of plastic could bring about so many emotions. Confusion, fear, excitement just three of which I am feeling right now.
I am only two weeks into my cycle and yet there appears to be two lines upon a pregnancy test I took yesterday evening. I am confused because I thought I was ovulating this week, I am fearful to get my hopes up incase it turns out to be a chemical pregnancy or a dud test and a teeny tiny part of me wishes to burst out with excitement but I simply wont allow it until it is proven that I am infact pregnant for real.
I made a promise with myself months ago that should I find myself pregnant again, I would not tell a soul until our 20 week scan and yet as soon as the faint line appeared yesterday in a mass of confusion, I text three friends; two of whom have gone on to have their Rainbow babies, asking them if it is possible for ovulation to be picked up on a pregnancy test. Apparently it appears not.
I don’t know what to think and I can’t get it out of my head. I took another test last night (thankfully I brought a pack of three) which again showed a second but fainter line then before and yet another test first thing this morning, again showing a second faint line and yet despite this ‘proof’ my brain can not accept the possibility of there being another baby until my AF does not arrive. I know for a fact that even if I were to do a thousand tests between now and my AF’s arrival, I will still question its accuracy until the AF does a no show.
*If* I am pregnant, it would mean that my last AF was either a dud one or that I ovulated straight after my AF finished meaning that I am either 6+ weeks or 2 weeks pregnant.
I simply went shopping after work yesterday and brought a pack of three for no reason. Now I have taken the test I ‘feel’ pregnant. I hate the way my body and mind occasionally form a tag team to confuse me or get my hopes up.
I have been getting cramps today. That I am not imagining. I ‘feel’ as though I am about to come on my AF and my boobs are slightly hard but I cant keep from thinking that it’s the want making my body feel this way rather then the fact that I could actually be pregnant.
I asked my OH after showing him the test if he would be pleased if it turn out to be true, to which he replied he would be but then went on to tell me to forget about it for a few days and then test again. How are men capable of blocking something so huge like this out of their minds? I wish I could block it out I really do but I can’t and I wont be able to until the 25th April. Forget D Day, this is bigger then that. AF Day could not arrive a day too soon.
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