Infection Free!

For the first time in four months my results have come back as clear. I am finally infection free. I'm glad. Hopefully when I get home and tell my OH it will be enough for him want to start BD again lol.

This week has been a long and emotionally tiring week for many reasons of which are too long to go into. I’ve been wanting to cry all week but the tears just won’t flow freely. When this happens I feel full to the brim like if I don't spring a leak somewhere, I will burst at an inappropriate time.

While sitting on the bus on the way home from work last night my eyes started welling up with tears because out of the blue, an image of a little baby boy appeared to me in a vision.

He was on his back, his arms flapping around. He was gurgling and he was looking straight at me. He had dark eyes and the most beautiful big lips. It took some effort not to start crying there and then and I had no choice but to push the image out of my mind. It feels like a sign.

The OH and I are going out tomorrow night for the first time this year. A friend of his girlfriend is having her birthday at a club but I really don't want to go. Not only do I have nothing to wear as I have outgrown my clothes but I really don't like the woman.

Tomorrow night will be the first time we have seen her and her friends since Bobby died and I still can not forget that she can not be trusted from past experience or that we received no card, no phone call, not even a text to say 'sorry'. I know there will be lots of questions she and her friends will ask. I know I will hear the usual 'at least you now know you can have kids' because the last time we all went out we were 2 years into TTC and I was asked lots of questions then. 'Why has it taken so long?'' What’s wrong with you?' 'Is OH not up to it? *giggle*' blah blah blah.

I would much rather stay at home in my PJ's, surfing the net, eating takeaway, go to bed, fall asleep in a snuggle with my man.

Possible Re-Infection

I have a Doctor’s appointment booked for tomorrow evening as it appears I may have caught my third infection within the last four months.

I have been getting dull aches around my pelvic area for a week and this Saturday I had some spotting. This isn’t due to being pregnant or my period looming so I know something isn’t right down there. This morning, while running to the bus stop I had a really sharp prolonged ache right in my ‘you know what’s it’, something which I’ve not had previously. I have also {like just before my waters broke} been having an ache down my right leg which stops at my knee.

I’ve been on Google this morning for a bit of self diagnosis as despite tests done at the hospital while pregnant and tests afterwards, the Doctors could not and still can not give me an answer as to what type of infection I keep catching.
I understand Google isn’t the best idea for self diagnosis but in my opinion with the amount of faith I have in my Doctor, I think I actually trust Google more then I do him.

There is one thing which repeatedly comes up as a possible cause and that is Pelvic Inflammatory Disease.

The Hospital at the time of admittance tested for any sign of an STD and as the OH and I haven’t had sex since September I know that’s not the cause.

We are due to try again in January and I can not go into it with the worry that an infection will kill any further pregnancies.

If it turns out that there is something seriously wrong then well, I will have to deal with it at the time but I am prepared. Only time will tell.

... (3)

Feeling a little fed up today.

Bobby should have been two weeks old tomorrow.

I’m worrying far too much about friends.

I’ve put on yet more weight and have the belly of a pregnant woman.

January is just too long away.

I wish I had a magic wand.

A Dedication

I have just found this journal entry dedicated to me b a fellow Angel Mummy. How can I possibly reply to this. This is why helping others, helps me.

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I always think it and never say it and I am not sure if there are words to describe this lady.

My beautiful son brought me to her. After finding out I was going to lose my baby boy she was one of the first to come to me and speak to me about the feelings and emotions I was about experience. She had lost her gorgeous angel Bobby only a week before I had my angel Aston.

She told me things that I never knew I would experience, she told me things that would help me get through these things, she told me things that I would think at the end of pulling through these things and never did I think she would always be right.

When I am down she picks me up, when I cry somehow she takes my tears. I think of her and Bobby and I think of how she has coped. I think of how brave she has been and that is what I want to become. It has been 4 months and 1 week today that I lost my little man, it is a week and 2 days since he should have been here and this is the very familiar and similar situation that she has been in, with her little man going just before and being due just before.

She has been like an angel my little boy gave me, someone that experienced everything before me and made me feel better about facing future events or helping me get through them. Not only has she coped with losing Bobby she has coped with me losing Aston as she has very much been my shoulder ... and my rock!!

Today I received a parcel... (a little late) but it was for Aston's due date.

Within this parcel there was a beautiful photo frame saying ‘Little Prince’ with my favourite picture of Aston. There was an Eeyore teddy which I think I will put on Aston's grave so Bobby and him can play with it (my favourite teddy ever I have loads and she didn’t know so picked well)

A beautiful little butterfly with an ‘A’ for Aston on it and a photo album; with my sons name and weigh and time of birth on front, then full of pictures of my baby boy and poems that in a way fit with every picture. The last picture being of my tattoo saying AJC and 9/7/2009 accompanied by ‘an angel in the book of life wrote down Aston’s birth and whispered as she closed the book to beautiful for earth!!’ We also had a card from her Steve and baby Bobby!!

Now, I am truly touched by all of this. I didn’t expect all of this. I didn’t expect anything. She is a lady from an Internet site; never did I think my baby boy had found me a truly amazing friend. A truly amazing women and a truly amazing mother!

Lucy I want to say thank you. Somehow you can make me cry and smile all at once, somehow you make me see the best in everything and somehow you are always there although miles away!! I'm glad our boys are playing together and I'm glad they helped me find you!! Bobby would be the proudest little boy of his mummy ever!!!

Precious Memories

A fellow Angel Mummy asked over on PAIL – a support group I am part of – to share our memories of our Angels; whilst pregnant and after.

This got me thinking and brought some of the memories back of which I guess where pushed to the back of my mind by the grief.

I thought I would share my happy memories on here as well as over there.

• The very first memory I have of Bobby is seeing him on the screen at the 6 week scan. I had been bleeding so I took myself off to the EPU. Obviously all I saw was the sac but even then it was a magical moment and in a way, I am now grateful for the bleeding I had early on as I got to see my little man more then most, I’m just sorry that I did not ask for the scan pictures. I was asked to come back ten days later for another scan which would hopefully show a heartbeat.

• Of course it did and at this point I remember looking at him on the screen and thinking that he strongly resembled a shrimp. It was at this moment that I truly fell in love with him and had an overwhelming sense of responsibility for him even though he had yet to develop any limbs or any character as such.

• Bobby’s character soon shone through some weeks later and I knew deep down all along that he was a boy and a cheeky one at that. I thought I had felt flutters from 14 weeks but it wasn’t until 17 weeks that I felt the first kick. He loved to kick so much and would kick every day at certain times of the day. These kicks are the main thing I will always remember and if I’m honest, is what I miss most about his pregnancy.

• I can not remember which week it was when I woke up one morning on my back to find a hard lump sitting on my right hand side. It freaked me out so much that I posted on my old birth board to ask what it was and it was of course Bobby curled up asleep. From that day on I would wake to find him on my right hand side and strangely enough, it was also the side he went on to die on.

• The biggest memory I have of our time together was our ten day stay at hospital. As scary as the time was it was also the time where I truly felt connected to him. It was the time in which we truly bonded. Bobby would be nice and quite all day apart from the times where the MW’s would do their four hour rounds. He would kick every time the Doppler was placed on him and for some time afterwards as though he was saying ‘Oi! Leave me alone!’

• Thinking back, he would also start kicking when my OH arrived in the evening and the three of us would then spend the evening lying on the hospital bed, watching TV together in silence.

• Another memory from our hospital stay; bored one day and sat upright on the bed, I poked my belly button in only for it to poke back out again and for him to kick. I thought I was seeing things at first so I carried it on, laughing to myself and imagining him in there tugged on the cord.

• Then came the day he died. It’s hard to think of any nice memories of that day but having really thought about it, it was the day that his strong character really shone through, as did our Mother and Son connection. Having been rushed to the hospital in the ambulance and taken straight into the Triang Room; having the nurse tell me that he was probably dead only for his heartbeat to blare out loud over the monitor made me really proud of my Son. I thought ‘Thank you for proving her wrong’.

• Bobby was declared dead at 10:20am on the 2nd July yet I know that he died at 8:45am. I know because my body went into panic. I had a panic attack at that precise moment and once it was over, I felt different somehow. That is how strong our connection was. That (not very happy) memory and that feeling within my heart will last forever.

• After hours of riding the contractions, I had for some reason kept my right hand on the right of my stomach all the way through. When Sarah the MW came to check on me early Friday morning I mentioned that I felt a hard lump underneath my hand. ‘It’s the baby honey’ she said. I had held onto Bobby unknowingly, hand placed on top of him for hours. At one point I remember thinking to myself out of the blue ‘… let him go, take your hand away’. An hour later he was born. This not so happy memory makes me cry.

• A very bittersweet memory is from the day I went to visit him at the morgue; our first meeting. I was very scared of seeing him but once over the initial shock of seeing him in his basket I fell in love with him. He was my Son and the forty five minutes we spent together were happy but also extremely sad. It was the first time and I might add the only real time I have felt like a true Mother.

• I cried the whole way through and I feel silly to think of it now however, I tried my best not to let any tears drop onto him as I didn’t want to make him wet. What I found funny at the time and which still brings a smile to my face is that he made my arm ache. His legs and fingers were so long. I was amazed by his black eyebrows. I saw his Dad in him. He was so full of detail. I admit I’m not very good and never have been very good at holding babies but I automatically held him in my right arm and he fitted perfectly from elbow to finger tip. It felt right.

• My last and final memory of Bobby is of his funeral. I had secretly hoped all day that it would rain and as he was being placed into the grave it did. It made me smile and confirmed to me that his cheeky spirit really is causing mischief up there at this very moment.

I know I said this journal would be all about happy memories but reading back everyone of the above – including the not so happy – are happy in a strange way.

To me, happiness is not just about smiling or laughing. It’s also about the feeling of being proud of your child, having those precious memories safely tucked away for the rest of eternity. It’s about having a child who has changed your life forever and being proud to call yourself an Angel Mummy.

Taking Things For Granted

I have just spent the past 30 minutes going through my ‘baby’ email account which I set up while TTC. It was only set up for the sole purpose of giving it out to websites/promotions etc as I didn’t want my other email account clogged up with spam.

When I first found out I was pregnant I was quick to Google everything pregnancy related. I came across so many sites which offered free stuff and I set up lots of accounts all in the hope of receiving some ‘exciting’ offers through the post. As thankful as I am now, while doing this I came across the social networking site which I am still a part of and which soon became my savior before, during and since Bobby dying.

Unfortunately for me and many others, these websites do not know when you have lost so they continue to send you promotional emails or freebies through the door. I have finally thought it about time that I went through every email sitting within the inbox and close all accounts that I set up while pregnant.

This got me thinking.

How quick was I (and many others) to jump on to the baby bandwagon? Never did it enter my head that it would all be in vain and that something would go wrong. Don’t get me wrong, there was always a slight niggle at the back of my mind and I never really allowed myself to enjoy the pregnancy ‘just in case’ but looking back, even though the thought was there, I never really took it seriously enough not to get caught up in the mad world of being pregnant.

I only knew of a friend of a friend who had lost babies but as with everything else in life I thought ‘Oh it won’t happen to me. It’s something which happens to others’.

Our next pregnancy will be different *touch wood*. Everything will be different infact. I will not be taking any of it for granted. Maybe I wont be as lucky as with Bobby where I had no morning sickness but it doesn’t matter how sick and tired, or how large I become, I will never ever ever complain of aches or pains or feeling sick. Not once will I moan because my clothes will not fit or that my face is all spotty.

I would give anything to be back there again. I would give anything to have the privilege of growing a little person inside of me. My boobs can sag for all I care. I’ll buy a better bra or save for a boob job. My hair can fall out; I will embrace my new look and splash out on a new hat. My gums can bleed and my teeth rot; I will use the opportunity to have a great new set of sparklers.

Each and every pregnancy should never be taken for granted. Yes women get pregnant every day, but 1 out of every 4 of those ladies will end up with a sad story to tell like mine; with there being millions of ladies all over the world who will never experience pregnancy full stop.

It is not until you think of pregnancy like that, do you realise just how much of an honour has been bestowed upon you and what a mammoth and important job your body is doing.

I’m not saying that a lady should worry herself for the full 9 months, I’m just asking that she be thankful and realise just how lucky she truly is.