Mothers Day - 2nd Year

Unlike last year I dont feel sad that today is Mothers Day, I feel angry.

Angry not because my Son is not here to buy me a teddy or a card or a bunch of flowers or chocolates. I feel angry because society does not class me as a Mother.  

I felt my Son kick, I felt a love for him from the moment the lines showed on the test, I went through 16 hours of labour and I watched as he was put into the ground.

I made sure my own Mum and MIL felt loved today and it worked, they do and yet has anyone thought to maybe do the same to me, of course not, why would they, to them because I do not have a child here on Earth who keeps me up at night, I am not a Mother.

I expect that as soon as another baby comes along I will be showered with love by chocolates, cards, teddies, maybe breakfast in bed. Be wished a 'Happy Mothers Day' on my social networking site walls as have my other friends had this year.  It is not my fault my Son died and it is not my fault I have not yet been blessed with a second child.

Last year was different. I was acknowledged as being a Mother. This year it appears I have been forgotten. That is why I feel anger today. I feel anger towards those who say they care.

A-Z Challenge: B - 'B'

The letter B never had any meaning 20 months ago. It was simply the 2nd letter of the alphabet. The letter which, out of all 26 letters appeared to have had too much dinner that evening with its double bloated belly. 21 months ago today the letter B became a huge significance within our lives.

The letter B is proudly displayed upon my body, permanently tattooed into the skin of my right wrist in an elegant black italic form. My first ‘Bobby’ memorial tattoo. Just 6 days after he died on my 28th birthday I sat in the chair staring into space, being aware of the scratching from the needle but I felt no pain despite the blood. I remember the tattooist making a joke, asking me if it was my boyfriend ‘Barry’s’ initial. He stopped joking once Id told him it was ‘the initial of my Son who had died last week’. It was the first time I had been out of the house since being home from the hospital, the first time I had physically spoken to someone in those 6 days and the first time I had experienced what the words ‘Son’ and ‘Died’ could do to a stranger.

A-Z Blogging Challenge: A - An Angel Never Dies

Don’t let them say I wasn’t born,
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I’ve loved you from the start.

Although my body you can’t hold
It doesn’t mean I’m gone
This world was worthy, not of me
God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face
You have my word, I’ll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.

You’ll hear that it was meant to be,
God doesn’t make mistakes
But that wont soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache.

I’m watching over all you do,
Another child you’ll bear
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you’ll understand.

Although I’ve never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesn’t mean I never was,
An Angel never dies.

A-Z Blogging Challenge

“The premise of the Blogging From A to Z April Challenge is to post something on your blog every day in April except for Sundays. In doing this you will have 26 blog posts--one for each letter of the alphabet. Each day you will theme your post according to a letter of the alphabet.

You will only be limited by your own imagination in this challenge. There is an unlimited universe of possibilities. You can post essays, short pieces of fiction, poetry, recipes, travel sketches, or anything else you would like to write about. You don't have to be a writer to do this. You can post photos, including samples of your own art or craftwork. Everyone who blogs can post from A to Z”

I have tried a challenge like this before and never completed it but this time I am determined to do so. More so because and as I have typed before, my blog requires a lift of some sort.

It isn’t hard to see that I only come here when I need to rant or remember. I don’t utilise it to document the ‘good stuff’, which thinking about it must make me look like a right moody cow when in reality on the surface Im the most laid back person you can get. (Note I said on the surface)

Hopefully knowing I have no choice but to visit this blog every day will get the love back for blogging. I used to love writing here, emptying my head of my thoughts and stepping away from the keyboard feeling lighter. 2011 just hasn’t been shown the same amount of love as 2009 and 2010 and the empath within me just isn’t comfortable with that.

As with everything else in life – and to quote my most used closing line – we shall see what happens.

Period Number 48

I don’t know why but I currently feel I am in no mans land. Actually I do know why; my AF has arrived today.

It’s a sad fact that if I do not fall pregnant in April, our 2011 baby dream is over and it continues into yet another year.

How many more years will we trip into until we finally take our own baby home? How many more friends and/or family am I expected to smile at when they announce they are pregnant before we can finally announce our pregnancy?

Two fellow Angel Mums are currently in hospital because their rainbow babies are due at any moment; as happy as I am for them both, they both lost a year after we lost Bobby and yet they get to have their rainbow babies before we get ours??? How does that work exactly? Has the need for a baby gotten so bad that I am even beginning to feel jealous over an Angel Mum’s pregnancy? What kind of a woman does that make me?

The amount of times I hear someone say 'God only gives you what he thinks you can handle' he has taken our only long awaited baby away and we dealt with it so why has he not given us another chance, does he not think we can handle a real, screaming, kicking, happy, giggling baby? More importantly why am I questioning what a God I don’t believe in is doing to us?

I am 30 in three months. I honestly thought things would be different. I presumed I would be married and that I would have at least one living child. Instead here I am ruled by my fertility, my period and my biological clock.

I am sick of friends presuming I am pregnant just because I mention that I am tired; of always being asked if we are trying or 'any news yet?' like our sex life is public property and do they honestly think that if there was 'news' that they would not know by now?! Then there is the ‘oh well you never know it might happen next month’ spiel. I am tired of my FB status’ getting ‘hugs’ responses when I have in fact put a happy go lucky status on there only for it to be misinterpreted to mean something else.

Just because I have lost do people see me as the poor soul who needs hugs at every opportunity? People tell me I’m strong and yet they treat me like a china doll. I am tired of being the one whose baby died. I would like to be looked upon as 'normal' once more; even if it only lasts for 9 whole months.

Riding the Waves of Time

Its currently 00:32 here in the UK on a Friday night.

I have been off work since Thursday because a fellow Angel Mum was due to visit today but is now not arriving until tomorrow morning.

My OH has gone fishing for the weekend, he will probably be back on Monday and so I am sitting here with a half bottle of rose left with no one on line to chat too; quite frankly I am bored.

So bored that I am sitting here waiting for some washing to finish.

I hate Friday nights in on my own.