A Day Forgotten

Wow.

I have only now realised that it was 2 years ago yesterday that I got the BFP with Bobby. I say wow because this time last year it was a day I had built up. It was a sad day.

This year however, it appears to have become a normal every day day.

And that is a good thing.

The Funeral of a Friend

It was Lee's funeral yesterday.

The coffin arrived at his Mum's house at 08:30 and as expected the sight of it caused a lot of grown men to cry. Even now its still hard to comprehend that his body was within that wooden box.

The service was held at the same chapel that Bobby's was held and unlike Bobby's, every seat within the chapel was taken.

Instead of hymns, old school house music was played; which may sound strange to some but Lee wasnt religious and house music was his and everyone elses within the chapels passion, and so it was fitting.

While the second song was played, we were asked by the minister to sit and remember Lee. For a split second I had an image of Lee standing in the corner of the chapel dancing away to himself laughing, knowing that noone could see him and yet thinking it funny that there were people there crying over the song while he danced to it. It was an image that made me smile until I remembered where I was.

Once the service was over we all headed off in different groups for some breakfast before meeting back at his Mum's house for the wake. At 12:45 the majority of the congregation headed towards a pub.

I'll be honest this part I wasn't looking forward to. I found it quite disrespectful to know some wanted to have a piss up after the funeral of a man who had ultimately died from alcohol but also because of the people who were going to be there.

The majority of those crying within the chapel were those who were not there for him when he became ill through the drink; they simply walked away. Whereas some who were there, were drinking with him up until the night before he died. Even after his numerous stays in rehab they would welcome him home by visiting him with a can of beer asking him if he minded if they drank in front of him ... what friend does that?

Then there were those who I'd chosen not to see ever again a few years back. Those who over a course of eight years made me feel like crap all because I was younger, because I came from a different background to them and ultimately because I did not drink or do drugs like them. Those who tried at every opportunity to make fun of me and cause trouble between the OH and I.

Knowing the history, thankfully my best friend agreed to spend the day with me, which meant that although I was polite to those people when saying hello, it meant I did not have to sit with them and make false conversation.

The one and only person who did try to make conversation said simply, "any babies yet", with which I replied "no". There was no "I'm sorry about your Son" even despite this being the first time I had seen any of them since Bobby had died.

I'm glad it is over, I'm glad that Lee was paid respect owed to him; although deep down I am sad that he had to die so young and in the way he did to receive the respect.

Lisas Stars Charity

I have already dedicated a page on this blog to this charity but I thought Id do a blog post about it as well; maybe turn it into a once a month update on how the charity is going.

Well as far as Lisa Stars's stands, the first delivery has been made!

The first delivery was made last Saturday by Lisa, her husband and their two living girls to the hospital where she gave birth to and lost their four Angels Olivia, Phoebe, Joseph and Nate who sadly fell asleep between 2006 and 2010 between gestations 17 to 28.

As lovely as this photo is because it is proof that there are extremely loving and generous people out there, it is also quite sad to knwo that every single one of those items shown will be, at some time in the future be used by Angel Parents on their newly lost baby/s.

As one of the representatives of Lisas Star's I have been asked to collect items and deliver them to local hospitals within my desigated postal area, who have agreed to accept these items.

At this moment in time I am in talks with the hospital Bobby was born at and I pray they agree because although Bobby was wrapped in a blanket, it would have been nice to have been able to have his little head covered or even just to be given the option to chose an outfit for him instead of having the hospital dress him in a silly looking dress type thing. It would also feel as though I was giving something back to the hospital and to help fellow parents who will be walking in the same shoes that the OH and myself found ourselves in 19 months ago.

I am also *fingers crossed* going to attend a local SANDS meeting at the begining of March to spread the word and to hopefully get some more knitters on board. 

I have so far received two packages.

The items pictured to the left I received from a lady at work. It includes 15 hats, 6 bonnets and 4 blankets

The items pictured on the right were knitted by my Mum, which I picked up today. It includes 11 blankets and 6 hats.

If you or anyone you know would like to knit for Lisas Stars or donate wool for the knitters to use, please email me at lucyatlisasstars@hotmail.co.uk

A Gravely Rant

Pissed off does not come close to correctly describing how I feel regarding Bobby's grave pictured above - the one at the bottom of the picture covered in weeds that is, not the one at the top of the photo. Yes that really is my Sons grave.

To start from the beginning; we had Bobby buried by the hospital simply because we did not know where to start when it came to arranging a funeral and most importantly, nor did we have the money to pay for it. Because he was buried by the hospital it meant that his grave is classed as a 'public grave' and having your baby buried publicly means that you have no choice but to share your childs grave with fourteen other little babies.

Nineteen months have now passed and several times over those nineteen months I have called the cemetery to ask them for an idea as to when the memorial stone will be placed upon the grave. Seeing as though every other shared baby grave around Bobby's had the exact same stone placed upon it, I presumed this is what we would get.

Every single time I spoke to someone at the cemetery, I was advised that they were waiting for the ground to settle before the stone could be laid.

This afternoon I call to ask yet again the exact same question but this time I am given a completely different answer. I am told that we are responsible for laying the stone.

I have no problem with arranging and paying for the memorial stone but WHY NOT TELL ME THIS NINETEEN MONTHS AGO?!

For nineteen months I have come away from visiting his grave feeling depressed because quite frankly, its a shit hole. In all honesty I have on quite a few occasions put off visiting because it is so depressing and it often leads to us having an argument about it.

So, to get things moving I have called a local masons and have given them my number to call back to discuss in more details as to what to do next. Apparently the cemetry need an application form from us from the masons and a payment of £47 which will take two to three weeks to process their end and then it will take however long it takes the masons to fit the stone.

In the mean time I have to think of something to go onto the stone. Because Bobby shares his grave with fourteen others, I can not and would not out of respect word the memorial directly to Bobby; it must be addressed to all of them. What about their parents I hear you say ... well in the nineteen months that he has been buried we have never come across anyone else at the grave and we have never seen any items left upon the grave so in my mind they either wish to 'put it behind' them or they like us, are waiting on the memorial stone to be placed before they do leave something.

Who knows. All I know is that Bobby's grave will be sorted by the time his second birthday comes around in July if it bankrupts me or not.

Coincidence

I sometimes wonder if I am either going mad in my beliefs or if I have a gift of feeling that something is due to happen.

On the 5th February I made the following post on the SANDS forum:

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Spiritual Presence 

Hi all

This may seem like a silly question but I was wondering if anyone else could no longer 'feel' their little one around them?

I used to be able to 'feel' Bobby here with me and would noticed little things when I thought about him or felt sad because I wanted him here but Ive noticed that over the past few weeks esp that I don't anymore; I cant seem to find him. I don't know when it stopped but what does this mean?

Does it mean he no longer feels the need to visit or that he no longer wants to be around me?

Does this make sense to anyone?

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Four days after this post Lee died.

It occurred to me this morning that maybe just maybe - and this is where the 'am I going mad' thought comes in - Bobby hasn't been around me because he has been around Lee waiting for him to join him. It would be lovely to think that Bobby knew what was going to happen and that he wanted to be there to make sure that Lee didn't feel scared or alone.

I know full well it is something that I will never know for sure but for this moment it is a nice thought and one which makes both deaths seem as though they have some point to them.

The Wishing Tree

I would like to say a massive thank you to The Wishing Tree for the gorgeous photo below which was made and taken after I came across her site via a fellow Angel Mum's blog.

To give an understanding of what The Wishing Tree is: 'Wishing trees are traditionally somewhere you tie your wishes and when the paper is worn and fades away your wish comes true.

This wishing tree is an angelic wishing tree. The angel names added throughout the year will stay there until the elements take them or I remove them on December 31st. The angel tags left on the 31st will be burnt and the ashes scattered under the tree. The tree will then start again January 1st we'll start again for the year'