Homeward Bound

*sigh*

I miss this place. I actually forgot about its existence until a week or so ago when I happened to randomly stumble across it via Google and since then I have been waiting for the right post to appear to come back with.

A lot has happened since I last posted in July.

I'm not pregnant (still) BUT that's ok. We are having tests while at the same time using the Clear Blue Fertility Monitor which I'll be honest, was exciting at first but has now become a bit of a chore. And quite a passion killer. Being told when to have sex by a machine is a little boring and quite regularly causes an argument over 'pressure' *rolls yes* but it has to be done and for the first time in a long time, I am 'ok' about not being pregnant. And being the last of my Angel friends not to be. My Doctor has finally prescribed me with Levothyroxine (3 yrs and 6 months late) which has helped with the tiredness, mood swings and appetite - which has ultimately helped with the weight gain, so onwards and upwards we go.

I went on secondment in August until October over to the dark side i.e HR. I truly believed I would LOVE it, however, I hated most of it. But I learnt a hell of a lot. Which was great in itself. I did things in those three months that Id never done before - I held presentations, I sat in on executive meetings with people who truly believed I knew what I was talking about. I did quite a few home visits and sat in on grievance interviews. I travelled ALOT. Most of all though, for the first time in years, I felt confident and professional. Those feelings soon disappeared of course within a few weeks of being back at the depot, but hey, it felt ok while it lasted. I am glad to be back with the boys though, knowing exactly what I am doing while being able to be 'me'.

In September I left the 'charity' I had been with for a year and set up my own not for profit organisation with the help of some very good friends. We officially launched on the 1st October and although we had a rough start with the move over, it now couldn't be going better. I am proud of my little baby and although its not yet taken over the world, that's ok because we are making a different slowly and surely.

Upon Butterfly Wings can be found via the website, Twitter Instagram and of course on Facebook. We provide hospitals within London and the South of England with knitted, crochet and sewn blankets, hats, wraps, teddies, booties and much much more for babies lost to early m/c all the way through to 3 months post full term birth (the neonatal period). As well as that, we also provide parents, grandparents and siblings with memory boxes post hospital. Its nice to be able to help someone else in a subtle but effective way but if it wasn't for the help of our crafters and others who donate and the whole UBW team, I know it would not have taken off.

I started counselling three weeks ago... something I thought I would never ever do again but something of which I am glad to be doing. The lady is lovely. Shes not patronising, she doesn't pretending to know what its like to lose a child and strangely a small percentage of our sessions so far have been around Bobby. Not through choice, she has managed to get things out of me which I'll be honest I didn't realise where an issue until spoken about. She says that although losing Bobby and not being able to fall pregnant again are two separate issues, my mind has twisted them into being the same thing and she is right. I couldn't see it before of course, but having her explain it to me and me taking a step back to analyse it, she does make sense. I guess its the old saying of not being able to see something clearly until its pointed out to you. Talking to a real life person instead of a computer screen has helped. Its easy to say 'I wish Id done it sooner' as in all honestly, I don't think I was ready, as I wasn't ready the first time a couple of months after his death. Something, I don't know what, feels different inside. Which is good of course.