Bobbys 2nd Birthday

It was Bobby's 2nd birthday in Heaven on Sunday. 

The build up as per last year wasn't so great. I cried myself to sleep a couple of times during the week, the usual tightness was there inside of my chest as was the fuzzy non-concentrating brain and on occasion my mind was forced to remember via flashbacks of that day. 

On the day itself though I couldn't have felt anymore different. 

We started the day in Homebase buying the fencing for his grave - I haven't posted for a while but since my last post we finally received Bobby's grave stone on the 1st July so we were able to finally make his grave as we had wanted to since he had been buried. 

My OH dropped me and the fence off at the graveside while he went to pick his Mum up as she wanted to help us dig the grave over and place the stone and place everything else we had for him on there. Because the day was such a lovely hot day, I was able to sit down next to the grave on my own for the first time since he was buried. It was quite strange to be there alone and for the first time I felt able to talk to him out loud. I don't often talk to him in my head as it is so it was a new thing to do but it was a nice thing to do.

Once they had arrived, we started digging the initial layers of soil over and placing the fence. We then placed the stone on along with the windmills and the plant pots as well as sprinkling the ground with poppy seed which will hopefully grow sporadically by the time we next visit. 

After spending a couple of hours there we headed back to the MIL's and then back home where life carried on as usual. 

Unlike last year though we did buy him a cake and light a candle of which my friend Kate had brought. My OH was very against this when I suggested it last year but for whatever reason he had nothing against it this year. Maybe he has accepted that this is it and that going along with it is easier then ignoring it or whatever, I don’t know but what I do know is that it was a 'nice' day. It was again nice to spend the day away from the computer, to spend the day without having anyone round and to spend the day with Bobby around us in the air.

Bobby did receive some lovely birthday cards, sadly none of which were from any family or real life friends but he did receive eight in total from my Angel Mummy friends and from the other Lisa’s Stars Admin.

Sadly I am unable to sign off this post without a little rant and I will most probably sound like a moaning minnie but as expected there were less wishes received then last year and those who sent cards last year, didn’t this year but on the up side those who didn’t send cards last year did this year and without wanting to dwell to much on others actions because it is upsetting to think about, we remembered him and that is all that counts. 

We his parents will never ever forget him and no matter how many cards or wishes we receive he will not be coming back. I know that. We know that, but unfortunately the need for him to be remembered by others will always remain. After all I am expected - forced even maybe - to remember others children on their birthdays and frowned upon for not sending a card or buying a present but hey, that’s the life of an Angel Parent. 

It’s full of the constant whispering longing for your baby to come back, its full of the contradiction of others words against their actions and I expect that as the years roll on by he will receive less cards, there will be less wishes sent and I do sometimes wonder that if it wasn’t for Facebook, would he actually be remembered by those who are supposed to remember at all.

Maybe next year I will answer this question by not reminding people via a status or an event. We shall see.

Where I Am – 1 Year 11 Months

Many thanks to Angie from Still Life with Circles for the Right Where I Am project which allows women from all walks of life and at all stages of their loss to talk about where they are in their lives since ‘that’ day took place. Please pop over there and join in. 

I can only remember small parts of the days, weeks and months after Bobby died and I am thankful for that because what I do remember bloody hurt, real bad. I am thankful for this blog because it allows me to look back occasionally and realise just how far I have come. For the first time since Friday 3rd July 2009, I really, honestly, hand on my heart, do feel ‘ok’ about life and where it is heading.

It is Bobby’s 2nd birthday in just under a month and this is the first major occasion which I have not built up to be a huge monster of a day.

Ok I am 2 stones heavier in weight since his death due to depressive eating and down right laziness but my mind is lighter. My emotions have been up and down from month to month (you only have to read the blog posts to witness this) but these past two-ish months have been the most consistent emotional wise since before he came into our lives.

The relationship between the OH and I has become more passionate since his death. Not passionate in a sexual way but when we argue there is passion behind it. Our arguments have meaning to them now where as before they were often petty and pointless. Having worked our way through all of the shit which the death of your child brings to your relationship, there is no longer that guilt or feeling of ‘does he blame me for what happened’. We are now able to speak about Bobby for what he is; our child. Gone has the feeling of not being able to speak about him for the fear of upsetting each other at the sound of his name. The lump at the back of the throat while trying to speak his name is no longer there. We are (finally) currently waiting for is memorial stone to be laid and I know for a fact this has helped me emotionally beyond words.

Work currently is the best it has ever been. Having started the job only two weeks after Bobby died I have grown as a person within it (the ‘new’ me) as much as the role has grown in regards to its responsibility around me.

Friends and family have not changed much since that day. If anything I have become closer to certain friends and family then ever before. They are all quick to provide virtual hugs even when not actually needed which can sometimes annoy me or make me chuckle but hey, a hug is a hug and each one has meaning behind it.

I am comfortable knowing that Bobby will always be remembered by these people no matter how many years pass. They have taken some wonderful photos especially to go into his birthday book of which I am most thankful for. Don’t get me wrong, some friends and family never have wanted to be involved with his remembrance, or even to this day do not feel comfortable for me to speak about him to them but do you know what, I’ve learnt to accept that and god help them if life throws them a shitty stick.

Helping others through Lisa’s Stars Charity has helped towards the above listed feelings beyond words. What better way to keep your baby's memory alive than to help others in the same position.

I understand this post most probably sounds as though I am walking around like a Princess in a Walt Disney movie but believe me this has been long time coming and boy its taken buckets of tears, manic depressive thoughts, a hell of a lot of weeks of feeling worthless as a woman and paranoid that my little man will be forgotten.

And so to cut out the crap and honestly respond to the statement in the title of this post - Where I Am ...

I am in the final stage of my grief ... I am in Acceptance. I have accepted that Bobby is dead, that our first and only Son died beyond our control and I have accepted that no matter how many tears I cry or wishes I make, he is not going to come back but that does not mean that he is not here. 

And with that acceptance, comes the light of Where I truly Am.

A Month Away

Wow it’s been a while.

It’s not so much the fact that it’s been nearly a month since the last post; it is more the fact that I am typing this on my work computer. They blocked Blogger more than six months ago so I am not sure how Ive managed to get back on here today. Hey, I’m not complaining.

The past month has been hectic to say the least.

Lisas Stars has taken off in dramatic style which is fantastic. As well as still being a part of the London Regional Rep Team I have fallen into the role of helping to enlist new Representatives. Its amazing how much can get done with people taking time out to help us and asking for nothing in return.

The OH and I are having a 'date night' tonight. A very much needed evening together where the arguments will hopefully be replaced with DTD!

Speaking of which the TTC isn’t really going that well but then what can I expect when my ever growing fat a * se is sat in one spot all night on the sofa in front of the laptop when it should be sat on something else making babies! To be honest, everything to do with ‘baby making’ has been pushed to the back of my mind simply because there is no room left for it due to it being ever filled with things to remember for Lisas Stars and work in general lol. For the first time in months I don’t feel weighed down by not being pregnant.

It is my 30th birthday in exactly 39 days *rolls eyes* and so, unhappy with my weight/dress size/hormones etc I have this week started to do something about it.

I have signed myself up to walk half a marathon in and around the streets of Battersea on the 24th July in just my bra and jogging bottoms. The intention was good at first but as it draws nearer and as Ive yet to do something to make sure I don’t give the public a shock of their lives, the butterflies have kicked in.

My best friend and I started attending Zumba classes twice a week quite some weeks back now which is great fun. Well one of the classes is I should say. Monday's class is held in a working mans club hall by a ‘proper’ dance teacher who is brilliant and the amount of sweat that pours out of this body is amazing. The fact that the hall is small and there are only around 20 people at each class means that you can see and hear what is going on, which helps greatly when you are trying to learn new steps. I could quite happily attend her class everyday if it wasn’t for the fact that she doesn’t hold them everyday... :/

Thursday night’s class however is different in many ways. It is held in the gym hall by an aerobic instructor and as we are always forced to the back of the hall where we can see and hear nothing, we often find ourselves spending the 45 minuets laughing or getting annoyed because we have no idea WTF is going on. I hate Thursday's class infact. So much so that I’m joining the gym next week and will replace the Zumba for a gym session.

I started a new ‘diet’ yesterday. Ok its not a diet, it’s a ‘stop eating 12 chocolate bars and drinking 20 cans of coke a day, get off your a * se and cut your portion sizes down you lard tart’ healthy eating plan.

Ive also started taking multivitamins, iron and evening primrose oil too to give the old body a boost. Fingers crossed the public will not be shocked!

Away from the diet and work, we finally ordered Bobbys grave stone two weeks ago. I am sure when it is placed I will feel sad at finally seeing it, but knowing that its ordered and that he will finally have a beautiful place to rest in makes me feel happy. It’s a simple stone of 12x6x6 in white with black lettering; with a butterfly in the top right hand corner but simple is what we wanted. The OH’s friend is a stone mason so has thankfully given us the stone for free, so all we have had to pay for is the lettering and for it to be laid.

If it wasn’t for his friend I don’t think we would have ever been able to afford a stone but I have my fingers crossed that is is made and laid in time for his 2nd birthday on the 3rd July.

It’s ridiculous how much money death can make and cost someone. Financially as well as emotionally.

Fcuk this Siht

Why do I do it to myself.

Why do I let people I dont even know upset me.

A post written yesturday from a woman on my old birth board saying they started TTC two weeks ago and today; she has a BFP.

2 weeks vs 22 months. Whats with that. Why her when she already has two healthy childen; one the age Bobby should be at now and shes been gifted with yet another without even trying???

WTF DO I NEED TO DO TO BE ALLOWED TO HAVE ONE?????? WTF IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!!

To Write their Names in the Sand

I'm a very proud Mummy right now.

My little man's name has been written in the sand of an Australian beach.

If you are an Angel Parent and you haven't already, please check out this site.

Prayers Answered

Thank you to everyone who prayed and/or left a message.

My friends girl was discharged from hospital yesterday and is well and truly on the mend.

It was close, they were taken to the family room just after she was transferred to another hospital and told that they could not guarantee she would wake but thankfully the CT Scan showed no sign of damage to her brain or organs and they managed to wake her from the machine at around 2am that night.

On a scale of 1-15 in regards to the level of deepness in a coma (didn't know there was a scale but there you go) she was at number 3.

Maybe prayers do work after all.

On another note, it appears I have had a very early miscarriage again. I tested two days ago and had a nice dark line and yet last night I started experiencing cramps and today I have been bleeding with some clots and there was only one line on todays test.

I had a little cry earlier on today but with this being the second early miscarriage since Bobby 22 months ago, its the proof Ive needed these past few months that I am capable of fall pregnant and that we are DTD at the correct time since we changed our methods 3 months ago

I know a loss is a loss but this is nothing compared to that of giving birth to a sleeping baby so I am no way devastated as what I was 22 months ago.

I have promised myself that I shall never ever test until way after my AF is late even if there is something inside telling me to do so. They do say that 70% of pregnancies are chemical or early miscarriages when trying so hopefully we've reached that mark now over the past nearly 5 years and that the next time I do fall pregnant, we manage to make it to the full nine months on our 5th attempt. 

One day.