A Gravely Rant

Pissed off does not come close to correctly describing how I feel regarding Bobby's grave pictured above - the one at the bottom of the picture covered in weeds that is, not the one at the top of the photo. Yes that really is my Sons grave.

To start from the beginning; we had Bobby buried by the hospital simply because we did not know where to start when it came to arranging a funeral and most importantly, nor did we have the money to pay for it. Because he was buried by the hospital it meant that his grave is classed as a 'public grave' and having your baby buried publicly means that you have no choice but to share your childs grave with fourteen other little babies.

Nineteen months have now passed and several times over those nineteen months I have called the cemetery to ask them for an idea as to when the memorial stone will be placed upon the grave. Seeing as though every other shared baby grave around Bobby's had the exact same stone placed upon it, I presumed this is what we would get.

Every single time I spoke to someone at the cemetery, I was advised that they were waiting for the ground to settle before the stone could be laid.

This afternoon I call to ask yet again the exact same question but this time I am given a completely different answer. I am told that we are responsible for laying the stone.

I have no problem with arranging and paying for the memorial stone but WHY NOT TELL ME THIS NINETEEN MONTHS AGO?!

For nineteen months I have come away from visiting his grave feeling depressed because quite frankly, its a shit hole. In all honesty I have on quite a few occasions put off visiting because it is so depressing and it often leads to us having an argument about it.

So, to get things moving I have called a local masons and have given them my number to call back to discuss in more details as to what to do next. Apparently the cemetry need an application form from us from the masons and a payment of £47 which will take two to three weeks to process their end and then it will take however long it takes the masons to fit the stone.

In the mean time I have to think of something to go onto the stone. Because Bobby shares his grave with fourteen others, I can not and would not out of respect word the memorial directly to Bobby; it must be addressed to all of them. What about their parents I hear you say ... well in the nineteen months that he has been buried we have never come across anyone else at the grave and we have never seen any items left upon the grave so in my mind they either wish to 'put it behind' them or they like us, are waiting on the memorial stone to be placed before they do leave something.

Who knows. All I know is that Bobby's grave will be sorted by the time his second birthday comes around in July if it bankrupts me or not.

Coincidence

I sometimes wonder if I am either going mad in my beliefs or if I have a gift of feeling that something is due to happen.

On the 5th February I made the following post on the SANDS forum:

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Spiritual Presence 

Hi all

This may seem like a silly question but I was wondering if anyone else could no longer 'feel' their little one around them?

I used to be able to 'feel' Bobby here with me and would noticed little things when I thought about him or felt sad because I wanted him here but Ive noticed that over the past few weeks esp that I don't anymore; I cant seem to find him. I don't know when it stopped but what does this mean?

Does it mean he no longer feels the need to visit or that he no longer wants to be around me?

Does this make sense to anyone?

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Four days after this post Lee died.

It occurred to me this morning that maybe just maybe - and this is where the 'am I going mad' thought comes in - Bobby hasn't been around me because he has been around Lee waiting for him to join him. It would be lovely to think that Bobby knew what was going to happen and that he wanted to be there to make sure that Lee didn't feel scared or alone.

I know full well it is something that I will never know for sure but for this moment it is a nice thought and one which makes both deaths seem as though they have some point to them.

The Wishing Tree

I would like to say a massive thank you to The Wishing Tree for the gorgeous photo below which was made and taken after I came across her site via a fellow Angel Mum's blog.

To give an understanding of what The Wishing Tree is: 'Wishing trees are traditionally somewhere you tie your wishes and when the paper is worn and fades away your wish comes true.

This wishing tree is an angelic wishing tree. The angel names added throughout the year will stay there until the elements take them or I remove them on December 31st. The angel tags left on the 31st will be burnt and the ashes scattered under the tree. The tree will then start again January 1st we'll start again for the year'

The Loss of a Friend

Sitting on the bus on the way home from work tonight I was going over this blog in my mind and it occurred to me that the only time I really post is when I am sad or when I need to vent.

Even while pregnant with Bobby, the majority of the posts are moans, rants and blah blah's; sooo I made a pact with myself that when I got home, I would start to post more about everyday good stuff; that was until an hour into arriving home we received a phone call from a friend.

Tragically one of my OH's oldest friends was found dead this morning on the sofa by his Mother. He had been a slave to alcoholism for a number of years and had been in and out of several rehab centres for the last couple of those years trying to kick the addiction.

As harsh as it may read now, it was often said within our group that he was a dead man walking simply because none of us could ever believe that he would combat this nasty nasty addiction and unfortunately my prediction that he would not make another year was correct.

Despite those words said, the fact that he has died has come as a huge shock which is surrounded by a consuming feeling of sadness that his life has ended this way at such a young age.

Lee was only 40 years old and he was a lovely lovely man who underneath the drink desperately wanted to have a family of his own. Yes at times the drink made him do things which we frowned upon but isn't that why it is called an addiction ...

What makes it seem even more unreal is the fact that he has died from a product which is accessible to buy in every Supermarket and corner shop all over the world and in the UK alone it is possible to buy a can of lager for as little as 29p. Drugs have nothing on alcohol and yet one is deemed illegal and the other brings in billions of pounds in tax to our Government.

His passing is yet another sad waste of a young life and a reminder that not every person dies from old age surrounded by their great grandchildren having lived a long and happy life. His death also sadly means that yet another Mother has to bury her child.

RIP Lee, I hope you're spirit is now free and I am sure Bobby would have already found you and made you feel at home. xox

Normality

I am happy. There you go I said it and I don't care if by saying it it jinxes that happiness. My insides feel 'fresh'; as though they have been replaced with new, clean, well oiled parts.

Work is good, our relationship is the best is has been for a very long time, the plans I made for 2011 have so far ran smoothly and best of all; the inside of my head feels normal.

Work has been busy but in a good way. I have been attending meetings and training courses which is great because it means I am networking and learning and most of all it feels as though I am trusted by my Boss which is a big thing with the Boss I have.

Our relationship has over this past week gone from feeling as though we are flat mates to actual partners - as a nearly 30 year old I hate the term boyfriend and girlfriend. The arguments and nit picking have been replaced with discussions and flirtations and most importantly the pressure of sex and all that it means has been lifted.

It is only February but I have already met up with and had fun with many friends that I haven't seen all over Winter. What is it with us Brits and Winter? Every single year I can guarantee that for 4 months I will not see certain friends; only to talk to them via the Internet or phone and yet as soon as the rain and snow stop, we all come out of hibernation.

Maybe the above mentioned is the cause for my head feeling clear I don't know but what I do know is that for this moment in time I feel 'normal'. The most normal I have felt in a very long time and that is the best feeling of all.

Love you little man.

Two Weddings and a Thousand Births

... or at least that is what it feels like.

I hate the person the years of TTC and the event of losing Bobby has turned me into. Forget the old saying about someone having two faces, it feels as though I have three; the 'happy' one friends and family see, the sad one which arrived the day Bobby was born and the bright bold green one which pops up out of no where from time to time.

As happy as I am when someone announces they are getting married or they are pregnant, it is always followed by a slight panic which runs through my mind when I realise that there is yet another person I am one step behind. I have a roof over my head and a job which allows me to eat food every day and yet that is not enough; I will always crave these two 'simple' things until they become real for us.

I hate the jealousy that every announcement brings with it. I hate the guilt of knowing that feeling jealous because friends and family are happy within their lives is wrong.