Words of a Rainbow Baby Mum

My Angel Mummy friend who lost her Son July 2009 and who went on to give birth to a Rainbow Daughter July 2010 posted this on her journal yesterday. Its something I felt needed sharing. I think it speaks volumes about how people assume that just because you have your 'take home baby' that everything should now be ok. Our Angels will never and can never be replaced.

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My Butter Bean that bobbed around. My Bean that looked just like an egg with a yolk. BUT WOULD I EVER MEET IT?

My Baby. My Baby with the arms and legs. My Baby I never thought I would take home. My Baby with the heartbeat, the kicking feet and wriggling arms. BUT WOULD I EVER MEET IT?

My Princess Pea. My Princess who was healthy. My Princess who I might just take home. My Princess who kicked and punched. My Princess who loved cream eggs. My Princess who grew and I looked forward to meeting. BUT WOULD I EVER MEET HER?

The "Baby Girl" with no name. The Baby Girl that arrived late. The Baby Girl that arrived safe. The Baby Girl I couldn’t believe was mine and here. The Baby Girl I got to take home. The Baby Girl that cried. I GOT TO MEET HER!

Freya. That Bean. That Baby. That Princess. That Baby Girl. That was my Freya and I GOT TO MEET HER. I got to take her home and keep her!

Unlike my gorgeous Boy who has bloomed in my heart I have seen her bloom in front of my eyes. The sparkling eyes, shiny hair, the gummy smile and chubby cheeks. I CAN SEE IT ALL!

BUT just because I can see Freya doesn’t mean she is any more special then my Boy. It doesn’t mean she is my only baby just because she is the only baby people can SEE.

BOTH MY BABIES ARE MINE. BOTH MY BABIES ARE BLOOMING IN THEIR OWN WAY AND I LOVE THEM BOTH MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF!

Aston was too good for this world. My Angel. My Little Boy who has given me two of the greatest gifts of all time him and his sister! I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU EVERYDAY!

Freya has bought my world to me. Happiness. A blooming I will never see in my boy. GORGEOUSNESS I LOVE YOU MORE AND MORE EVERYDAY!

Tonsillectomy (Day 3)

Having done my homework before this operation by Googling everything to do with having your tonsils removed, I knew a tonsillectomy was going to be painful but I never imagined it would be this painful; so painful in fact that yesterday I cried while eating my dinner.

So painful that I have spent some part of today on Google begging it to tell me when the pain will stop and the fear of bleeding to death will go away.

According to my OH I smell bad. I smell like a bin and this smell isn't just coming from my mouth as expected; it is coming from my pours. Great.

Thankfully Google has confirmed that this is normal and can last for up to three weeks and the reason for the smell, is due to the combination of medications as well as the nasty white coating currently living within my mouth at the back of my throat which is a sign of the wound healing. Although I can not smell myself I can imagine how bad I must smell if the taste in my mouth is anything to go by. I have brushed my teeth three times today and yet it still tastes bad.

Something I apparently missed previously is that the scabs at the back of the throat 'fall off' between 5-10 days after the operation. What?! When they come off they bleed a little as well. Aye?!

Despite smelling bad and having scabs falling off, it does appear that there are a couple of good things to come from this operation; apart from the obvious reason for having this operation to begin with that is.

Before the operation I was (and still am) a diet coke addict. I don't like tea or coffee so would live quite happily on 4-5 cans of diet coke a day with a small glass of water thrown in. However since Tuesday I am on my second 5lt bottle of water and I have yet to have a single can of diet coke or a craving for it either. According to Google it is also quite common to lose between 5-20lbs in weight and considering I planned to lose 2 stones this year to get back to pre-Bobby weight this is a very good thing.

I just hope it does fall off and that it wont stay on me due to bloody water retention.

Tonsillectomy

Yesterday I had surgery to have my tonsils removed.

I am currently dosed up on medication so I have no idea if this post will read correctly but hey ho.

I have had problems with my nose, throat and neck for a good few years. It first started in September 2007 while at my parents, where my Dad mentioned that I appeared to have a lump in my neck. Because of my Granddad dying from throat cancer, I took it seriously and thankfully so did my Doctor.

After a few months of blood tests, biopsies, ultra scans and appointments with my Consultant at the hospital it was discovered that I had cysts in my right thyroid which had grown large enough to appear as a lump in my neck.

On May 10th 2008 I had the right thyroid removed; I was in hospital for 3 days and placed on bed rest for 10 days after which time a nurse visited to remove the stitches. I still have a nice scar to show my battle wounds.

For a good 6 months afterwards my AF was a little up and down but it eventually settled and in March 2009 I fell pregnant.

Shortly after Bobby died I noticed a change in my AF and I started getting bouts of tonsillitis, constant colds, scabs up my nose which would bleed when blown and generally feeling like crap, so when in May 2010 I noticed another lump in my neck but this time on my right hand side, I finally took a trip to the Doctor.

Yet again I had to go through the same process of biopsy's, ultra scans and consultants appointments and yet again it was discovered that my right thyroid had cysts and nodules. However, this time my Consultant refused to remove my remaining thyroid due to my age and the life time commitment of medication and checkups. Instead he took a look inside my mouth and pointed out that I had large tonsils and advised that by removing them, it may take away the symptoms I had been experiencing.

Yesterday, I arrived at the hospital at 7:30am and eventually went down for surgery at 9:15am. I woke at 10:30am and slept pretty much until my OH arrived to take me home. I was discharged at 4pm and again pretty much slept and ate in order to take the described medication.

Apart from the very painful throat, I'm feeling pretty ok today. My legs and arms still work so Ive no excuse for sitting on my butt all day but I'm going to give it a good try at least until the weekend lol.

I have ten days off work which is absolute bliss and although I'm a little worried about infection and having the scar bleed, I'm feeling positive that once recovery is over, my body will start to feel better and I will start to feel better about myself in so many ways. I am also using the next two weeks as an excuse for a mini detox and because I can not drink any fizzy drinks, I hope that I will finally combat my addiction to diet coke and naturally lose some weight.

Here's to positive thinking and lots of hoping.

A Note to Heaven (8)

Thinking of you on your 18 month anniversary in Heaven Bobby.

Mummy misses you more and more each and every day.

Angel Memorial Journal

I have taken part in a Memorial Journal in the past and as sad as it is to see it be slowly filled with Angels, it made me realise that I am not alone. I hope to do the same for others out there. I would like to set up and send out one journal for everyone to add their Angel to; a little like a chain mail email.

Here is how it will work:

If you are interested, please list your name to the comments section of this post and starting from March 1st (to give it enough time to build a list of enough names), I will send the journal to the first person who has posted their interest.

When you receive the journal please include the following information:

*Your Angels Name – including nickname if you wish
*Your Angels Date of Birth
*Your Angels Time of Birth
*Angels Weight and Length (if known)
*The Cause of Death (if known)

**The Date they Grew Their Wings
**Time they Grew Their Wings
**Or 'Born Sleeping' - 'Born with Wings' or whatever term you feel comfortable with

*Parents Names (first names only)
*Any Siblings Names (first names only)
*Anyone special you would like to mention, Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Midwife ect
*A Message to your Angel

***If you wish you can add a message to the next family to receive the journal. You are also free to tape a post card from where you live or a photograph of a special place***

I do not advise you include a picture of your Angel into the journal in case it falls into the wrong hands, I also advise you be careful with putting surnames or naming hospitals. DO NOT add any information in the journal that you do not wish others to read.

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When you receive the journal I ask that it is posted on to the next person on the list within 3 days of you receiving the journal; postage and packaging costs will be down to you and you must post via Recorded Delivery (or the equivalent in countries outside the UK because this will guarantee that the journal will not be lost in the post). 

Please DO NOT place your name below if you cannot post forward within or outside of your country.

Please DO NOT place your name below if you are not willing to give out your address to myself and the person sending the journal to you.

Please note that anonymous posters will not be accepted, only those who can be traced back to a blog, Twitter or Facebook will be, purely for safety purposes.

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There is no long term plan for the journal. When one is filled up I will simply send out another. The journal will then be kept with myself and stored in Bobby’s memorial box and it can be requested to look at at any time. Filled journals can be kept for 1 week and then they must be posted back to myself.

It would be great if as many Angels were included in this and I hope that you can take part. If you live close to or know another Angel Mum near you then please ask if they would be interested to save on postage costs.

Please add your interest – NOT your address - below if you are interested. You name will be added to a spreadsheet stored on my laptop and I will contact you for your address when your turn comes round.

Please feel free to email me any questions you may have.

Looking Towards 2011

In the New Years Eve post of 2009 I reflected on the bad things which had happened that year; namely Bobby dying.

For 2010's New Years Eve post I have chosen instead to write about what is planned for 2011, about what 'good' I have planned for this new year and hopefully in doing so, it really will feel like a brand new year and not just an extension of the old one.

January is the month I have high hopes for. I am having my tonsils out on the 11th and so I have two weeks off work. I can not explain how much I am looking forward to having those two weeks off. I plan on spending some of this time finally finishing all of the little projects I started last year and having a proper spring clean of this flat. I have my hopes rested on by having my tonsils out it will get rid of this constant sore throat and head cold that I have had since May.

Once the recovery process is over, I am going on a diet, I am going to start going to the gym. I plan on losing the 2 stones I have put on since Bobby's pregnancy and death. If I can get back down to a size 12/14 I will be a very very happy woman.

In February I will have my first ever driving lesson. Scared shitless does not fully describe how I feel about getting behind the wheel of a big scary machine.

This month also sees both of my parents birthdays and two separate meetings with friends. One an afternoon lunch with a group of ladies I have been friends with since moving down to London 10 years ago and the other, is a girly weekend away staying with a very good Angel Mummy friend and her little girl; the same AM who came to stay here in November.

March brings another meet with a fellow Angel Mum but one whom I have yet to meet in 'real life'. Like many of the other Angel Mum's I am happy to call my friend despite never meeting, we met online via a support network. Unfortunately because we live on either end of the country, it has meant that we have had to wait until this time to arrange a proper get together. I think it will be a nice day. She is someone I have been waiting to meet in person for a long time.

It is also the month where the charity I am a part of gets to hold its own stall at a certain huge craft fair. Fingers crossed the weekend allows them to spread their word and that it works wonders for them.

April; the MILs' birthday and although I feel as though I am repeating myself, it brings yet another meet but this time with my Cousins and my Brother all of whom live up North and who are coming down here to London for the day.

May sees yet another meet, this time with old school friends back home. Friends who have been there before and since Bobby. My really old, really good friends.

It is also our parents 30th wedding anniversary during May and my second Race for Life run.

June brings my Brothers 26th birthday. Bless him.

July is the month of birthdays. It holds a very close AM's little boys 2nd birthday and her Rainbow Daughters 1st birthday. It is Bobby's 2nd birthday and my 30th. Due to his birthday being six days before mine and the fact that I am far from looking forward to turning 30, I am planning on taking two weeks off work and for the OH and I to go away somewhere. We haven't had a proper holiday since 2004 so we are well overdue to say the least. This is if I pass my probation at work which I will find out during this month.

August holds a friends little girls 2nd birthday.

September my Brother and I are running a half marathon in London and I plan to raise money for Lisa's Stars.

October ... who knows. I don't but hopefully it will bring something good. 

November is what would have been Bobby's 2nd proper birthday but I am not sure how I will feel on that day so I can not yet say what I will be doing on that day if anything at all.

December. Who knows what it will bring. I just hope whatever does happen, it will see us going into yet another new year feeling good about the one we will be leaving behind.