Feeling a little fed up today.
Bobby should have been two weeks old tomorrow.
I’m worrying far too much about friends.
I’ve put on yet more weight and have the belly of a pregnant woman.
January is just too long away.
I wish I had a magic wand.
Tuesday, 17 November 2009
Monday, 16 November 2009
A Dedication
I have just found this journal entry dedicated to me b a fellow Angel Mummy. How can I possibly reply to this. This is why helping others, helps me.
I always think it and never say it and I am not sure if there are words to describe this lady.
My beautiful son brought me to her. After finding out I was going to lose my baby boy she was one of the first to come to me and speak to me about the feelings and emotions I was about experience. She had lost her gorgeous angel Bobby only a week before I had my angel Aston.
She told me things that I never knew I would experience, she told me things that would help me get through these things, she told me things that I would think at the end of pulling through these things and never did I think she would always be right.
When I am down she picks me up, when I cry somehow she takes my tears. I think of her and Bobby and I think of how she has coped. I think of how brave she has been and that is what I want to become. It has been 4 months and 1 week today that I lost my little man, it is a week and 2 days since he should have been here and this is the very familiar and similar situation that she has been in, with her little man going just before and being due just before.
She has been like an angel my little boy gave me, someone that experienced everything before me and made me feel better about facing future events or helping me get through them. Not only has she coped with losing Bobby she has coped with me losing Aston as she has very much been my shoulder ... and my rock!!
Today I received a parcel... (a little late) but it was for Aston's due date.
Within this parcel there was a beautiful photo frame saying ‘Little Prince’ with my favourite picture of Aston. There was an Eeyore teddy which I think I will put on Aston's grave so Bobby and him can play with it (my favourite teddy ever I have loads and she didn’t know so picked well)
A beautiful little butterfly with an ‘A’ for Aston on it and a photo album; with my sons name and weigh and time of birth on front, then full of pictures of my baby boy and poems that in a way fit with every picture. The last picture being of my tattoo saying AJC and 9/7/2009 accompanied by ‘an angel in the book of life wrote down Aston’s birth and whispered as she closed the book to beautiful for earth!!’ We also had a card from her Steve and baby Bobby!!
Now, I am truly touched by all of this. I didn’t expect all of this. I didn’t expect anything. She is a lady from an Internet site; never did I think my baby boy had found me a truly amazing friend. A truly amazing women and a truly amazing mother!
Lucy I want to say thank you. Somehow you can make me cry and smile all at once, somehow you make me see the best in everything and somehow you are always there although miles away!! I'm glad our boys are playing together and I'm glad they helped me find you!! Bobby would be the proudest little boy of his mummy ever!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I always think it and never say it and I am not sure if there are words to describe this lady.
My beautiful son brought me to her. After finding out I was going to lose my baby boy she was one of the first to come to me and speak to me about the feelings and emotions I was about experience. She had lost her gorgeous angel Bobby only a week before I had my angel Aston.
She told me things that I never knew I would experience, she told me things that would help me get through these things, she told me things that I would think at the end of pulling through these things and never did I think she would always be right.
When I am down she picks me up, when I cry somehow she takes my tears. I think of her and Bobby and I think of how she has coped. I think of how brave she has been and that is what I want to become. It has been 4 months and 1 week today that I lost my little man, it is a week and 2 days since he should have been here and this is the very familiar and similar situation that she has been in, with her little man going just before and being due just before.
She has been like an angel my little boy gave me, someone that experienced everything before me and made me feel better about facing future events or helping me get through them. Not only has she coped with losing Bobby she has coped with me losing Aston as she has very much been my shoulder ... and my rock!!
Today I received a parcel... (a little late) but it was for Aston's due date.
Within this parcel there was a beautiful photo frame saying ‘Little Prince’ with my favourite picture of Aston. There was an Eeyore teddy which I think I will put on Aston's grave so Bobby and him can play with it (my favourite teddy ever I have loads and she didn’t know so picked well)
A beautiful little butterfly with an ‘A’ for Aston on it and a photo album; with my sons name and weigh and time of birth on front, then full of pictures of my baby boy and poems that in a way fit with every picture. The last picture being of my tattoo saying AJC and 9/7/2009 accompanied by ‘an angel in the book of life wrote down Aston’s birth and whispered as she closed the book to beautiful for earth!!’ We also had a card from her Steve and baby Bobby!!
Now, I am truly touched by all of this. I didn’t expect all of this. I didn’t expect anything. She is a lady from an Internet site; never did I think my baby boy had found me a truly amazing friend. A truly amazing women and a truly amazing mother!
Lucy I want to say thank you. Somehow you can make me cry and smile all at once, somehow you make me see the best in everything and somehow you are always there although miles away!! I'm glad our boys are playing together and I'm glad they helped me find you!! Bobby would be the proudest little boy of his mummy ever!!!
Sunday, 15 November 2009
Precious Memories
A fellow Angel Mummy asked over on PAIL – a support group I am part of – to share our memories of our Angels; whilst pregnant and after.
This got me thinking and brought some of the memories back of which I guess where pushed to the back of my mind by the grief.
I thought I would share my happy memories on here as well as over there.
• The very first memory I have of Bobby is seeing him on the screen at the 6 week scan. I had been bleeding so I took myself off to the EPU. Obviously all I saw was the sac but even then it was a magical moment and in a way, I am now grateful for the bleeding I had early on as I got to see my little man more then most, I’m just sorry that I did not ask for the scan pictures. I was asked to come back ten days later for another scan which would hopefully show a heartbeat.
• Of course it did and at this point I remember looking at him on the screen and thinking that he strongly resembled a shrimp. It was at this moment that I truly fell in love with him and had an overwhelming sense of responsibility for him even though he had yet to develop any limbs or any character as such.
• Bobby’s character soon shone through some weeks later and I knew deep down all along that he was a boy and a cheeky one at that. I thought I had felt flutters from 14 weeks but it wasn’t until 17 weeks that I felt the first kick. He loved to kick so much and would kick every day at certain times of the day. These kicks are the main thing I will always remember and if I’m honest, is what I miss most about his pregnancy.
• I can not remember which week it was when I woke up one morning on my back to find a hard lump sitting on my right hand side. It freaked me out so much that I posted on my old birth board to ask what it was and it was of course Bobby curled up asleep. From that day on I would wake to find him on my right hand side and strangely enough, it was also the side he went on to die on.
• The biggest memory I have of our time together was our ten day stay at hospital. As scary as the time was it was also the time where I truly felt connected to him. It was the time in which we truly bonded. Bobby would be nice and quite all day apart from the times where the MW’s would do their four hour rounds. He would kick every time the Doppler was placed on him and for some time afterwards as though he was saying ‘Oi! Leave me alone!’
• Thinking back, he would also start kicking when my OH arrived in the evening and the three of us would then spend the evening lying on the hospital bed, watching TV together in silence.
• Another memory from our hospital stay; bored one day and sat upright on the bed, I poked my belly button in only for it to poke back out again and for him to kick. I thought I was seeing things at first so I carried it on, laughing to myself and imagining him in there tugged on the cord.
• Then came the day he died. It’s hard to think of any nice memories of that day but having really thought about it, it was the day that his strong character really shone through, as did our Mother and Son connection. Having been rushed to the hospital in the ambulance and taken straight into the Triang Room; having the nurse tell me that he was probably dead only for his heartbeat to blare out loud over the monitor made me really proud of my Son. I thought ‘Thank you for proving her wrong’.
• Bobby was declared dead at 10:20am on the 2nd July yet I know that he died at 8:45am. I know because my body went into panic. I had a panic attack at that precise moment and once it was over, I felt different somehow. That is how strong our connection was. That (not very happy) memory and that feeling within my heart will last forever.
• After hours of riding the contractions, I had for some reason kept my right hand on the right of my stomach all the way through. When Sarah the MW came to check on me early Friday morning I mentioned that I felt a hard lump underneath my hand. ‘It’s the baby honey’ she said. I had held onto Bobby unknowingly, hand placed on top of him for hours. At one point I remember thinking to myself out of the blue ‘… let him go, take your hand away’. An hour later he was born. This not so happy memory makes me cry.
• A very bittersweet memory is from the day I went to visit him at the morgue; our first meeting. I was very scared of seeing him but once over the initial shock of seeing him in his basket I fell in love with him. He was my Son and the forty five minutes we spent together were happy but also extremely sad. It was the first time and I might add the only real time I have felt like a true Mother.
• I cried the whole way through and I feel silly to think of it now however, I tried my best not to let any tears drop onto him as I didn’t want to make him wet. What I found funny at the time and which still brings a smile to my face is that he made my arm ache. His legs and fingers were so long. I was amazed by his black eyebrows. I saw his Dad in him. He was so full of detail. I admit I’m not very good and never have been very good at holding babies but I automatically held him in my right arm and he fitted perfectly from elbow to finger tip. It felt right.
• My last and final memory of Bobby is of his funeral. I had secretly hoped all day that it would rain and as he was being placed into the grave it did. It made me smile and confirmed to me that his cheeky spirit really is causing mischief up there at this very moment.
I know I said this journal would be all about happy memories but reading back everyone of the above – including the not so happy – are happy in a strange way.
To me, happiness is not just about smiling or laughing. It’s also about the feeling of being proud of your child, having those precious memories safely tucked away for the rest of eternity. It’s about having a child who has changed your life forever and being proud to call yourself an Angel Mummy.
This got me thinking and brought some of the memories back of which I guess where pushed to the back of my mind by the grief.
I thought I would share my happy memories on here as well as over there.
• The very first memory I have of Bobby is seeing him on the screen at the 6 week scan. I had been bleeding so I took myself off to the EPU. Obviously all I saw was the sac but even then it was a magical moment and in a way, I am now grateful for the bleeding I had early on as I got to see my little man more then most, I’m just sorry that I did not ask for the scan pictures. I was asked to come back ten days later for another scan which would hopefully show a heartbeat.
• Of course it did and at this point I remember looking at him on the screen and thinking that he strongly resembled a shrimp. It was at this moment that I truly fell in love with him and had an overwhelming sense of responsibility for him even though he had yet to develop any limbs or any character as such.
• Bobby’s character soon shone through some weeks later and I knew deep down all along that he was a boy and a cheeky one at that. I thought I had felt flutters from 14 weeks but it wasn’t until 17 weeks that I felt the first kick. He loved to kick so much and would kick every day at certain times of the day. These kicks are the main thing I will always remember and if I’m honest, is what I miss most about his pregnancy.
• I can not remember which week it was when I woke up one morning on my back to find a hard lump sitting on my right hand side. It freaked me out so much that I posted on my old birth board to ask what it was and it was of course Bobby curled up asleep. From that day on I would wake to find him on my right hand side and strangely enough, it was also the side he went on to die on.
• The biggest memory I have of our time together was our ten day stay at hospital. As scary as the time was it was also the time where I truly felt connected to him. It was the time in which we truly bonded. Bobby would be nice and quite all day apart from the times where the MW’s would do their four hour rounds. He would kick every time the Doppler was placed on him and for some time afterwards as though he was saying ‘Oi! Leave me alone!’
• Thinking back, he would also start kicking when my OH arrived in the evening and the three of us would then spend the evening lying on the hospital bed, watching TV together in silence.
• Another memory from our hospital stay; bored one day and sat upright on the bed, I poked my belly button in only for it to poke back out again and for him to kick. I thought I was seeing things at first so I carried it on, laughing to myself and imagining him in there tugged on the cord.
• Then came the day he died. It’s hard to think of any nice memories of that day but having really thought about it, it was the day that his strong character really shone through, as did our Mother and Son connection. Having been rushed to the hospital in the ambulance and taken straight into the Triang Room; having the nurse tell me that he was probably dead only for his heartbeat to blare out loud over the monitor made me really proud of my Son. I thought ‘Thank you for proving her wrong’.
• Bobby was declared dead at 10:20am on the 2nd July yet I know that he died at 8:45am. I know because my body went into panic. I had a panic attack at that precise moment and once it was over, I felt different somehow. That is how strong our connection was. That (not very happy) memory and that feeling within my heart will last forever.
• After hours of riding the contractions, I had for some reason kept my right hand on the right of my stomach all the way through. When Sarah the MW came to check on me early Friday morning I mentioned that I felt a hard lump underneath my hand. ‘It’s the baby honey’ she said. I had held onto Bobby unknowingly, hand placed on top of him for hours. At one point I remember thinking to myself out of the blue ‘… let him go, take your hand away’. An hour later he was born. This not so happy memory makes me cry.
• A very bittersweet memory is from the day I went to visit him at the morgue; our first meeting. I was very scared of seeing him but once over the initial shock of seeing him in his basket I fell in love with him. He was my Son and the forty five minutes we spent together were happy but also extremely sad. It was the first time and I might add the only real time I have felt like a true Mother.
• I cried the whole way through and I feel silly to think of it now however, I tried my best not to let any tears drop onto him as I didn’t want to make him wet. What I found funny at the time and which still brings a smile to my face is that he made my arm ache. His legs and fingers were so long. I was amazed by his black eyebrows. I saw his Dad in him. He was so full of detail. I admit I’m not very good and never have been very good at holding babies but I automatically held him in my right arm and he fitted perfectly from elbow to finger tip. It felt right.
• My last and final memory of Bobby is of his funeral. I had secretly hoped all day that it would rain and as he was being placed into the grave it did. It made me smile and confirmed to me that his cheeky spirit really is causing mischief up there at this very moment.
I know I said this journal would be all about happy memories but reading back everyone of the above – including the not so happy – are happy in a strange way.
To me, happiness is not just about smiling or laughing. It’s also about the feeling of being proud of your child, having those precious memories safely tucked away for the rest of eternity. It’s about having a child who has changed your life forever and being proud to call yourself an Angel Mummy.
Saturday, 14 November 2009
Taking Things For Granted
I have just spent the past 30 minutes going through my ‘baby’ email account which I set up while TTC. It was only set up for the sole purpose of giving it out to websites/promotions etc as I didn’t want my other email account clogged up with spam.
When I first found out I was pregnant I was quick to Google everything pregnancy related. I came across so many sites which offered free stuff and I set up lots of accounts all in the hope of receiving some ‘exciting’ offers through the post. As thankful as I am now, while doing this I came across the social networking site which I am still a part of and which soon became my savior before, during and since Bobby dying.
Unfortunately for me and many others, these websites do not know when you have lost so they continue to send you promotional emails or freebies through the door. I have finally thought it about time that I went through every email sitting within the inbox and close all accounts that I set up while pregnant.
This got me thinking.
How quick was I (and many others) to jump on to the baby bandwagon? Never did it enter my head that it would all be in vain and that something would go wrong. Don’t get me wrong, there was always a slight niggle at the back of my mind and I never really allowed myself to enjoy the pregnancy ‘just in case’ but looking back, even though the thought was there, I never really took it seriously enough not to get caught up in the mad world of being pregnant.
I only knew of a friend of a friend who had lost babies but as with everything else in life I thought ‘Oh it won’t happen to me. It’s something which happens to others’.
Our next pregnancy will be different *touch wood*. Everything will be different infact. I will not be taking any of it for granted. Maybe I wont be as lucky as with Bobby where I had no morning sickness but it doesn’t matter how sick and tired, or how large I become, I will never ever ever complain of aches or pains or feeling sick. Not once will I moan because my clothes will not fit or that my face is all spotty.
I would give anything to be back there again. I would give anything to have the privilege of growing a little person inside of me. My boobs can sag for all I care. I’ll buy a better bra or save for a boob job. My hair can fall out; I will embrace my new look and splash out on a new hat. My gums can bleed and my teeth rot; I will use the opportunity to have a great new set of sparklers.
Each and every pregnancy should never be taken for granted. Yes women get pregnant every day, but 1 out of every 4 of those ladies will end up with a sad story to tell like mine; with there being millions of ladies all over the world who will never experience pregnancy full stop.
It is not until you think of pregnancy like that, do you realise just how much of an honour has been bestowed upon you and what a mammoth and important job your body is doing.
I’m not saying that a lady should worry herself for the full 9 months, I’m just asking that she be thankful and realise just how lucky she truly is.
When I first found out I was pregnant I was quick to Google everything pregnancy related. I came across so many sites which offered free stuff and I set up lots of accounts all in the hope of receiving some ‘exciting’ offers through the post. As thankful as I am now, while doing this I came across the social networking site which I am still a part of and which soon became my savior before, during and since Bobby dying.
Unfortunately for me and many others, these websites do not know when you have lost so they continue to send you promotional emails or freebies through the door. I have finally thought it about time that I went through every email sitting within the inbox and close all accounts that I set up while pregnant.
This got me thinking.
How quick was I (and many others) to jump on to the baby bandwagon? Never did it enter my head that it would all be in vain and that something would go wrong. Don’t get me wrong, there was always a slight niggle at the back of my mind and I never really allowed myself to enjoy the pregnancy ‘just in case’ but looking back, even though the thought was there, I never really took it seriously enough not to get caught up in the mad world of being pregnant.
I only knew of a friend of a friend who had lost babies but as with everything else in life I thought ‘Oh it won’t happen to me. It’s something which happens to others’.
Our next pregnancy will be different *touch wood*. Everything will be different infact. I will not be taking any of it for granted. Maybe I wont be as lucky as with Bobby where I had no morning sickness but it doesn’t matter how sick and tired, or how large I become, I will never ever ever complain of aches or pains or feeling sick. Not once will I moan because my clothes will not fit or that my face is all spotty.
I would give anything to be back there again. I would give anything to have the privilege of growing a little person inside of me. My boobs can sag for all I care. I’ll buy a better bra or save for a boob job. My hair can fall out; I will embrace my new look and splash out on a new hat. My gums can bleed and my teeth rot; I will use the opportunity to have a great new set of sparklers.
Each and every pregnancy should never be taken for granted. Yes women get pregnant every day, but 1 out of every 4 of those ladies will end up with a sad story to tell like mine; with there being millions of ladies all over the world who will never experience pregnancy full stop.
It is not until you think of pregnancy like that, do you realise just how much of an honour has been bestowed upon you and what a mammoth and important job your body is doing.
I’m not saying that a lady should worry herself for the full 9 months, I’m just asking that she be thankful and realise just how lucky she truly is.
Wednesday, 11 November 2009
The Need for an Earth Baby
Despite losing Bobby, I am still a part of a social networking site for pregnant ladies and all that comes with pregnancy; including losses.
Now that most on my old Birth Board are starting to pop out their babies my biological clock is screaming at me. I so want to be pregnant right now.
We have agreed to start trying again in January 2010 but at this present moment in time January seems so far away; too far away infact.
I hate this feeling of wanting something so badly yet having no control over when you can obtain that thing; afteral it’s not something you can pop to the shops and buy. It’s a feeling of helplessness if nothing else and its bringing back all of the old memories of our 2 year TTC journey which resulted in Bobby.
I’m going to be 29 next year and already time has run out to give birth before that birthday arrives. I am determined that I will have a baby in my arms before both my OH’s 40th and my 30th birthday both which happen in 2011.
I guess I’d better start *praying* and hoping that we will be that lucky right now.
Now that most on my old Birth Board are starting to pop out their babies my biological clock is screaming at me. I so want to be pregnant right now.
We have agreed to start trying again in January 2010 but at this present moment in time January seems so far away; too far away infact.
I hate this feeling of wanting something so badly yet having no control over when you can obtain that thing; afteral it’s not something you can pop to the shops and buy. It’s a feeling of helplessness if nothing else and its bringing back all of the old memories of our 2 year TTC journey which resulted in Bobby.
I’m going to be 29 next year and already time has run out to give birth before that birthday arrives. I am determined that I will have a baby in my arms before both my OH’s 40th and my 30th birthday both which happen in 2011.
I guess I’d better start *praying* and hoping that we will be that lucky right now.
Monday, 9 November 2009
Bobbys Due Day
The day I had built up to be something so terrible, yet its arrival turned out to be a blessing in disguise. It became a day of healing, a day of reflection, a day we spent together as a family for the first time since our Son’s birth.
Our pregnancy chapter is now over.
I finally feel free to move on and try to rebuild mine/our life back up to where it once was; maybe even better than before if we are lucky.
Bobby will always be in my head and my heart but now I am comfortable to remember him for what he is and not what he should have been. He is and always will be my precious little man who has changed not only my life but also the life of his Daddy’s and everyone who knew of him and those who were lucky enough to have met him.
He has taught me many new things and brought so many new good people but most of all he has given me the strength to remove those not so good.
We did nothing we planned to do but that was ok. We started the day with a nice lye in and we then took a trip out into town to choose a balloon and something else to place on his grave; although at this time we were not sure what. It took us ages to agree on the right balloon to buy which surprised me considering my OH wasn’t bothered about the balloon to begin with and yet he soon took it upon himself to be the one who didn’t like most of the selection as in his eyes they were not suitable. I wanted to buy a Thomas the Tank Engine one while he didn’t want a kid’s balloon for reasons which even he couldn’t explain. In the end we chose a bright multicolored balloon with hearts all over it. I then came across a single red rose made purely from feathers sitting on top of a shelf all on its lonesome. It was perfect.
The original idea was to release the balloon once we got to his grave but instead we chose to dig a small hole and place the string into the graves dirt. I then wrote a little note and placed it within the rose’ wrapping which, like the balloon, was placed into the dirt. We then proceeded to take pictures. I felt perfectly normal taking photos of us two beside his grave and of the grave itself but it wasn’t until two men walked past did I wonder if they thought it natural too, or if they were taken aback that what they were seeing.
Soon it started to rain so we made our way back to the car and drove to the MIL’s house. I wasn’t sure if she would remember the day but she had. We had a good chat and I filled her in of all that my OH hadn’t and she asked us if we were planning on trying again. We told her January 1010.
We had talked about trying again on Tuesday. My OH wants to make sure that the infection has gone completely before we go down that road and I want to make sure that we are stable enough financially and emotionally to try again. Until then, the plan is to plod along as ‘normal’, waiting for whatever comes our way next.
At least the day is done, put to sleep, laid to rest. Just like our little man and the year we shall never forget.
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